Blame It on the Pain Read online

  Especially now that Jackson's body has gone limp.

  My. Heart. Stops.

  I realize two things at that moment. One—I swear, I'll go toe to toe with this beast myself if he ever lays another hand on him. And two—that I'm completely in love with Jackson.

  I'm soon pushing people out of the way and running toward the cage screaming Jackson's name so loud I think my vocal cords have ruptured.

  Tears and screams are ripping right out of me...it feels so similar to the moment I lost my father that it only causes me to scream even harder. “Please, No!”

  I feel a pair of strong arms haul me back at the same time Jackson get's back up.

  His eyes connect with mine and I'm so relieved I'm about ready to declare my eternal love for him in some massive poetic moment.

  Then his eyes narrow and he gives me a look that's so deadly, I immediately know I've made a huge mistake by coming here.

  Jackson's not just ticked off or pissed that I'm here. He looks like he wants to annihilate me and rip me to actual shreds.

  I knew he wouldn't like it. I took that gamble...but I never knew he would get this mad about it.

  “Jackson's fine, Alyssa. He was just pretending to be down since his opponent was playing dirty,” Tyrone whispers in my ear.

  I look up and watch Jackson proceed to pummel the giant beast into a bloody pulp, that same look he gave me, now turned on him.

  Jackson wins the fight in no time and is declared the victor.

  When he scans back over the crowd, his eyes fall on me and he gives me the same death stare as before. Only this time he mouths a word that literally causes me to shake. “Run.”

  Chills creep up my spine and I hightail it the fuck out of there.

  ***

  I run back to the bar and try to calm myself down. I'm almost positive that Jackson wouldn't actually hurt me...or at least, I was before tonight.

  Because I need something to distract myself, I offer to close the bar for Shane who happily takes me up on it.

  That's when it hits me...I never collected my winnings. Dammit.

  I'm just going to have to cut my losses, though because I don't even want to know what Jackson would do to me if I went back there right now...or ever for that matter.

  After a few hours, I'm calmer than I was and I proceed to close up the bar.

  I'm shutting the door when a large black boot lodges itself in the door frame, preventing me from shutting it all the way.

  I look up and stifle a scream when I see a large figure standing before me dressed in a black hoodie and jeans. Their hood is pulled up and since it's dark out, I can't make out their face.

  They tilt their face slightly and the light from the streetlight catches illuminating their features.

  Jackson's normally gray eyes are the darkest I've ever seen them.

  He pushes the door open and I immediately start to back away because I can honestly say, he's scaring the shit out of me.

  He doesn't say a word to me, he just slams the door shut behind him and starts dead bolting it. Then he grabs my arm and nudges me toward the alarm.

  With shaky fingers, I reach up and set it. I briefly contemplate pressing the panic button and informing the alarm company about a break in because I just don't know what he's playing at or what his deal is right now.

  He seems to sense my thoughts because he leans down and whispers,“Go ahead. I dare you,” in my ear.

  I take a few steps back wishing that I hadn't already turned all the lights in the bar off.

  I steel myself and lift my chin. His little game has gone on long enough as far as I'm concerned. “Why are you here, Jackson?”

  He takes a step forward and I take a step back. His large frame is looming over me and I've never felt smaller in my whole entire life.

  He gives me a smile that reminds me of a crazed killer, albeit a very hot one. “Why am I here?” he repeats. “Are you saying that I'm not allowed to be here?”

  I fold my arms across my chest and glare at him. “I..um. Y-yeah.”

  Good job Alyssa, your intimidation level is equivalent to that of a puppy.

  Jackson rubs his jaw. “Good thing I don't give a fuck then, huh?”

  I open my mouth to say something, but he cuts me off by shouting, “Just like you didn't give a fuck when you went down to the fight club tonight, and I specifically told you not to ever go there.”

  He takes another step forward. “You promised me that you wouldn't.”

  “I'm s-sorry,” I stutter. “Look, you're really starting to scare me, Jackson.”

  He smirks, takes another step forward and removes his belt, which both terrifies and excites me. “I thought you liked danger, Alyssa? You sure put yourself in harms way tonight.”

  I shake my head. “No one attacked me this time.”

  “This time,” he mocks before his expression turns serious. “Do you remember what I told you to do tonight?”

  “Well, yeah but you can't actually be serious—” I start to say until the crack of his belt against the wooden table causes me to jump.

  “Oh, I'm very serious. As serious as you were when you walked into that club tonight. You have 30 seconds,” he sneers.

  I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this point. Where exactly does he expect me to run to? Especially when he dead bolted the doors?

  When I still haven't moved, his eyes narrow.

  “15 seconds. I suggest you do what I told you to now, Alyssa. You're only making it harder on yourself.”

  Since it would take me twice as long to run up the stairs to my apartment, I take off in the direction of the bathrooms.

  I fly through the swinging doors and fight to catch my breath. I debate hiding in one of the stalls, but mere seconds later Jackson enters the bathroom.

  I shouldn't feel so turned on over this little cat and mouse game he started but I am.

  I’m nervous too because he's never acted like this with me before.

  He begins walking toward me and I notice that he's stripped off his hoodie. I also see the few bruises on his face from the fight.

  I instinctively reach up to touch his face, but he bats away my hand and grips my ponytail while backing me into the stall door.

  “What are you doing, Jackson?”

  He pulls my hair tighter. “Trying to figure out the proper way to punish you so you don't pull this shit again.”

  “Look, I'm sorry, okay? I've learned my lesson.”

  He presses me against the stall. “Not okay. You make me a promise you fucking keep it, understand me?”

  “I won't show up at the club again. I promise,” I say. My vision gets blurry and I want to kick myself for giving into my emotions right now. But I know there's no point in fighting them.

  I draw in a shaky breath. “Believe me, there's nothing you could do to me that would ever be worse than thinking you were seriously hurt in that cage. It was the second worst experience of my entire life.”

  I close my eyes. “So go ahead, Jackson. Do your worst. I can take it.”

  His mouth smashes against mine with so much force I'm certain my lips will be bruised, but I don't care.

  It's the most violent kiss I've ever had and the passion flowing through us both right now is enough to bring me to my knees.

  I feel myself drop, but one of Jackson's hands latches onto my hip while the other tugs on my ponytail so hard I yelp.

  And when I do, he nips my lower lip hard enough that I taste a hint of copper. He groans and sucks my bottom lip into his mouth until I'm lightheaded and fighting for air.

  Before I know it, he's dragging me until we're stopped in front of the mirrors and he's directly in back of me.

  He lifts my shirt up and his fingers trail down my abdomen before he flicks open the button on my jeans.

  I'm about to close my eyes, but he shakes his head and whispers, “Watch,” deep and low in my ear. His hand moves inside my jeans, brushing over the damp fabric of my panties.


  The sight of his large hand inside my pants as he's stroking me is enough to make me blush. It's such an erotic sight and I'm so wound up I feel like a slingshot that's about to launch into outer space. That feeling only grows when he pushes my jeans down lower, along with my panties, leaving me completely exposed to him.

  He positions one of his legs between both of mine until I'm pressed flush against his chest and I can feel the strong effect I'm having on him through his jeans.

  Embarrassment courses through me when he slips one of his fingers inside me and we both hear just how wet I am. He curses under his breath as he begins slowly moving deep inside me.

  I've never been more turned on in my entire life, but I really need him to know something before we take this any further.

  “I didn't sleep with Ford that night. I kicked him out of my life and I haven't seen him since. I only want you.”

  The sting from his other hand slapping my ass causes me to jump.

  "Don't ever and I mean, ever utter another man’s name while my fingers are inside you."

  “I'm sorry,” I say frantically. “I just wanted you to know that Ford—” I'm cut off by another sharp whack across my ass. This time, it sends a jolt of pleasure up my spine.

  “What did I say?” Jackson warns, his voice harsh and rough.

  He removes his finger before entering me again, this time adding another finger and stroking me even deeper.

  “You want me?” he says, his breath tickling my ear. “Well, you fucking have me. But it comes with contingencies, now.”

  I open my mouth to find out what he means but he leans down and bites my neck. "I've tried going easy on you. I treated you like you were fragile before. I thought that's what you needed. But not this time, Alyssa. I'm not gonna treat you like you're some sad, broken, and damaged damsel...because you're not, are you?"

  “No—” I start to say but it’s cut off by my moan when he flicks my clit. “Glad we reached an understanding. Now start riding my fingers until you come like a good girl.”

  His words light me on fire and I reach up and snake my around his neck as I begin doing what he told me to.

  But then my pleasure crumbles because although, I've been working on myself and changing for the better, there's still some things that haven't completely gone away.

  That dark and destructive place inside me taunts me and I feel shame wash over me because I know I won't be able to do what Jackson wants. No matter how much I want to, that place inside me associates my own sexual pleasure as something bad.

  I stop responding to his touch. “I won't be able to come, Jackson. I'm sorry.” Before he can interrupt me, I continue, “I've never been able to before. It's not a line and I'm not saying it to issue you a challenge. I'm just trying, to be honest. So, you can stop and I'll take care of you. I want to take care of you. I like being able to turn you on, it makes me feel good. I just don't want you to be disappointed with me for not being able to come and I don't want to fake it with you.”

  To my surprise, Jackson doesn't stop. He continues fingering me, alternating between shallow and deep strokes. He places a gentle kiss on my temple. “You let me worry about your pleasure, Alyssa.”

  I'm about to protest, but his thumb swirls around my clit and I swear, I see stars. “Give it to me,” he demands as his finger plunges into my slickness. “Give me every single ounce of pain you have when you go to that place of yours and trust me enough to take it all away and make it better.”

  “Okay, I'll try,” I whisper.

  “Do you like the way my fingers feel inside you? The way I'm stroking your pretty pussy?” he asks.

  I blush and shiver at his dirty words. “I do,” I respond honestly.

  He pinches my clit and I moan. “I know you do, baby. You know how I know?” He pushes his erection into my behind. “Because your juices are dripping down my hand, making me harder than a fucking rock right now.”

  I mewl and begin moving my hips in time with his touch. He circles my clit again before he submerges his fingers inside me. “Let your pussy grip my fingers, baby. Don't fight it. Just breathe and focus on the way I'm touching you and exploring this tight pussy of yours.”

  “Oh god, Jackson. Your mouth. It's so dirty.”

  He licks the shell of my ear. “Trust me, you have no idea how dirty my mouth can get. Just you fucking wait. I'll be tasting every part of you.”

  I gasp and my hips buck against his erection when the first ripple hits me. I almost want to tell him to stop, because it's too much, but then the second wave happens. It causes such an intense rush of absolute pleasure, I'm screaming my own dirty words and jerking against him.

  Jackson holds me while I fall apart in his arms, my movements finally coming to a slow stop as I fall into his chest.

  I look up as he brings his fingers to his mouth before sucking on them and closing his eyes.

  I'm still catching my breath, trying to gather my bearings when Jackson nudges me forward until I'm bent over the sink. “Spread your legs and hold onto the edges of the sink,” he tells me.

  I do as he says without protest. I'm expecting him to start fucking me, but he doesn't. He gets down on his knees instead.

  Seeing as I just came not even moments ago, I'm confused. “What are you doing?”

  He pulls my jeans down all the way and lifts my leg. “That first orgasm was for you. This one's for me,” he informs me.

  Then faster than I can form my next thought, his mouth is covering my pussy. There are no dainty or teasing little licks, he's eating me like I'm a delicacy that he intends to savor every drop of.

  “I was wrong,” he rasps while lapping at me. I'm about to ask what he means, but then he says, “You taste even better than you smell.”

  White blinding light hits me when he sucks my clit into his mouth and I can't help but scream out his name. That only makes him ravish me more with his skillful tongue until I know I'm about to start convulsing again.

  If I thought my first orgasm was intense, it has nothing on this one. I'm in a whole other world, so far off the beaten path that all I feel is Jackson. He's permeating every sense of mine. I twitch so hard Jackson has to hold my hips so I don't fall and I scream his name like it's the last word I'll ever say in this lifetime.

  All my feelings for him flood through me at that moment, I think about how I felt just hours ago when I saw him in that cage. When I thought I might lose him forever. I need him to know how I feel, I need him to know how much he means to me. “I love you, Jackson,” I whisper.

  He lifts his head, wipes his chin and stands up. The look on his face is like nothing I've ever seen before and I'm not sure what it means.

  My heart is beating so hard, I feel like I'm about to faint, but I know I need to do this.

  One of the things I will always remember the most about my father was how much he loved me. He gave me the gift of unconditional love for 10 years, and although I lost my way after he died and it got buried with my shame over the sex tape, and my toxic relationship with Ford, I remember now how special it was to know and feel that.

  I look him in the eyes this time. “I love you, Jackson,” I repeat.

  He just stares at me, not saying a word. I didn't expect him to say it back, but some kind of response would be nice.

  I put myself in his place and realize that maybe I've just blindsided him with this weighty statement since it did come out of nowhere. I also probably need to be a little bit more specific with how I feel and what I want.

  I move toward him. “I want you, Jackson. I want to try again. I know we've both made some mistakes. I know we crashed and burned right after take off the last time around. But, I also know...there's no one in the world that I want more than you. I honestly don't think there ever will be. No one has made me feel the way you make me feel.”

  His closes his eyes and his thumb brushes over my bottom lip. “Alyssa,” he whispers.

  I give his thumb a small kiss. “I'll go all in and
give you every single part of me. I'll never, ever lie to you again or break a promise...and I swear, I will do my damnedest not to hurt you.” My voice begins cracking, but I continue, “I'll fight for you with every single breath I take, Jackson. And if you're too scared to take the risk and roll the dice with me...don't be...because I'll hold your hand for the rest of my life.”

  His face contorts in pain so I reach for his hand, hoping to prove it to him, but he rips it away. “No,” he says, his voice gravelly. “Get over me and find someone else. Someone that's not me. Someone who can give all of that back to you because I can't.”

  The impact of his words is like pouring battery acid on a wound. It's tearing me apart, burning me and leaving me scarred. I don't know why he's hurting me like this or saying these things, but my heart pulls when I see the emotion on his face.

  He heads for the door and I follow him. “Don't chase me, Alyssa,” he shouts. “Let me leave...because if I don't leave right now—I'll never be able to stop myself from doing the right thing when it comes to you. And I have to do that. Please, just let me give you up.”

  I try to open my mouth, but the tears are lodged in my throat, clogging my voice. I don't understand any of this.

  He pauses right before he leaves. “I'm not who you think I am. But for the very first time...I wish I was.” His voice cracks with his last statement and he slams the door.

  Chapter 28 (Jackson)

  I'm running through the city streets like a madman and screaming Lilly's name...wishing everything was different.

  I never once regretted killing him.

  I never once regretted taking his life...never had a single ounce of remorse for being a murderer.

  I never thought I would.

  I never had a reason to.

  My soul feels like it's split right down the middle.

  Half of it belongs to Lilly- I know that even in the afterlife...we're tied together and our bond will never be broken.

  The other half of my soul belongs to Alyssa.