Blame It on the Pain Page 22

The rest of me is stuck in turmoil because I don't know how to process this new feeling and I don't think I can handle what it must mean. Because if it means, what I think it means...I don't think I can live with myself.

  I reach my apartment...at least, I think I do. I'm a complete mess. I don't know how I'm functioning or taking in air.

  I must be worse off than I thought because when Lou-Lou finds me on the floor in the lobby. She freaks the fuck out, picks up her phone and dials Tyrone. “I don't know, Tyrone. He just keeps screaming for Lilly. Get your ass down here!” she yells into the phone.

  Less than a minute later Tyrone's helping me up the steps. He tells me that it's going to be okay. He also mumbles something about him calling Momma and her taking the next flight out here.

  I'm too far gone to be embarrassed by being such a wuss at this point.

  He sits me down on the couch and pats my back. “Jackson, please talk to me. I know you hate talking. But right now you're really scaring the fucking shit out of me.”

  I feel some wet shit on my face and I can't stop myself from screaming Lilly's name again.

  I keep imagining what it would be like if she was still here now....living. She would be gearing up for graduation, probably valedictorian because she was so fucking smart...and I would be so proud of her. I would tell her how proud of her I was.

  I'd sneak into her first courtroom case and cheer for her in the background. I'd probably be fighting the urge to punch the judge if he ever dared to rule against her. But, I'd make her hot chocolate with cinnamon and whipped cream if she lost the case.

  I close my eyes…the wet stuff on my face is getting worse, and my thoughts are firing off like a cannon.

  Maybe, she'd be an aunt now. I always wanted to have a family. My kids would adore her...I know they would. She would be the best aunt in the entire world.

  Lilly would have liked Alyssa. She would have been concerned at first, like the good sister she was; but I know she ultimately would have ended up loving her, just like I do.

  The reality slams into me like a blazing wildfire.

  I'll never have any of that now. And neither will she.

  There's no graduation, no first courtroom case, no hot chocolate, no family, and no Alyssa.

  Because Lilly's tiny body is dead on the floor beside the couch. Her pink nails have blood caked under them...because she fought like hell. Just like her big brother would have wanted her to.

  But she lost her fight.

  Because I didn't protect her like a big brother should.

  But I got vengeance for her.

  I murdered that son-of-a-bitch for killing my baby sister.

  So, how could I have a moment of regret?

  I wipe the tears off my face and look at Tyrone. “If I love Alyssa...it will mean that I love Lilly less. It will mean that I accept Lilly's death and that in the end, I'm okay with what happened to her because I had a moment of regret for murdering Mike when Alyssa told me she loved me.”

  He looks confused but I continue, “So you see, I can't love Alyssa because I can't not love Lilly. If I love Alyssa, then I have to regret both loving Lilly in the first place because I have to be fine with her death and regret killing him.”

  Tyrone shakes his head. “I'm not following you. Did you tell Alyssa the truth about everything?”

  I lean forward and put my head in my hands. “No. But let's just say that I'm certain she'll want nothing to do with me if she ever finds out.”

  He scowls. “You don't know that, Jackson. There are extenuating circumstances and you know it. Again, I think you're not giving her the benefit of the doubt here and just assuming—”

  “Her father was murdered. I can't go into any more detail about it because it's not my place, but her father was murdered when she was a kid. Let's just say that she has a very set in stone outlook when it comes to murder in general. Trust me.”

  He stands up and runs a hand along his jaw. “It's not always black and white or cut and dry.” I open my mouth to tell him that for her it is, but he cuts me off. “And I think that if you told her, not only would she see that...but you would as well.” He holds up a finger. “However, we have a few more things to work out before we come back to that. Starting with you and your feelings. First, I do think you need to accept Lilly's death. It doesn't mean that you loved her any less and it sure as heck doesn't make you a bad brother for accepting it. It simply means that you are aware that her death happened, that you processed it.” He sighs. “And you need to process it, Jackson...because she's not coming back. No matter how many people you beat up in that cage or how much you blame yourself, it will never bring her back. Her life is over...but yours doesn't have to be. She wouldn't want that...she would want you to go on living. You know I'm right, brother.”

  I nod my head softly and he continues, “Which brings me to Alyssa. Now, you said before that you can't love her because you felt this moment of regret about killing him.”

  “Yeah. I've never had that feeling before. I don't know how to explain it. But, I know I don't regret getting vengeance for Lilly. So I don't understand how I had this moment of regret because—” I pause because my heads going around in circles right now and I don't know how to sort out my thoughts.

  Tyrone looks at me. “It's because Alyssa loves you...but you don't think that she can because, in your eyes, she doesn't know who you really are. And because you love her and you hate the thought of losing her you wish that you were different. You wish that you were who she thinks you are...correct?”

  I think about this for a moment before replying, “Yeah, sounds about right.”

  He smiles. “Well, you're wrong.”

  Now I'm completely confused. “But you just said—”

  He cuts me off. “I said that in your eyes she doesn't know who you really are.”

  “I don't know where you're going with this, Tyrone.”

  “You don't have regret about killing Mike and getting vengeance. You regret who you think you are. Your own self-identity is tied to being a murderer and all that it entails.”

  He looks me in the eyes. “You're a good person, Jackson. You're the most loyal person I've ever met. You will fight to the end of this earth and back again for those you love. There's not a thing you won't do for us. Momma's right when she says that you have an incredible heart that's incomparable to others because you lead with it. Your heart is who you are and it's one hell of a good heart. And you know what that means? It means that Alyssa already knows who you are on the inside. You shouldn't wish to be anyone else because it's your heart and you who she loves.”

  “But I'm a murderer.”

  “And that brings me to the next point we need to sort out in that head of yours. Remember what I said about it not always being so black and white or cut and dry?”

  I nod my head again.

  He takes a deep breath. “Would you call a soldier a bad person? Would you think of them as a murderer or a killer?”

  “Absolutely not. They're heroes who are defending and protecting others.”

  He nods. “You're right. They are and they do.”

  “You've lost me again, Tyrone. Because if you're insinuating that I'm some sort of hero...you're wrong. Heroes save people. So, what is it that you're saying?”

  “What I'm saying is that it's not always mutually exclusive. There are exceptions to every good thing and every bad thing. Think about it...if a person donates a shit-load of money to a charity, we automatically assume that it makes them a good person.” He pauses. “But, if you find out that they only donated to the charity to claim it on their taxes and not from the goodness of their heart. That changes your perception about them a little, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Now, what if a person murders someone? We automatically assume that it makes them a bad person. But, what if you found out that this killer had walked in to find their little sister whom he loved more than life itself brutally murdered?” He draws in a breath. “And in the very same moment, his best friend whom he trusted, walked out and admitted to killing his baby sister. Which in turn, caused him to black out in a rage that ended in murder. Wouldn't that change your perception about this killer?”

  “Yeah.”

  He gives me a hug. “Let Alyssa decide for herself what her perception of you is. Let her show you that she knows exactly who it is she's giving her heart to. Have some faith and trust in the girl.”

  I hug him back. “Thanks, Tyrone. I really don't know how I would have figured that all out by myself. I owe you.”

  “So, you're going to tell her?”

  “No. I'm gonna do more than that.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “How?”

  “You still have that camcorder?”

  His stares at me wide-eyed. “You sure about this, man? I mean, there's putting your trust in someone and then there's putting your trust in someone. She could do anything with that confession, Jackson. In the wrong hands, you could end up right back in jail. And if that happens, dropping the soap will be the least of your worries, brother. DeLuca will have you killed in jail for outing him about staging the cover up.”

  “You said to have some faith and trust in her, right?”

  ***

  An hour later I find myself making my way to Alyssa's apartment.

  I'm choosing to tell her about what happened on video because, in some way, I'm trying to show her just how much I love her.

  I know that the sex tape ruined her life. It left her vulnerable, naked, exposed and judged for the whole entire world to see.

  Although this is a different circumstance entirely, this video very much leaves me vulnerable, naked, exposed and open to her judgment.

  There's no way to match her love and give her every part of me if she doesn't know my past and what I've done.

  Alyssa's video never changed my opinion about her. It only made me fall for her more.

  I guess in some way, I'm hoping that she feels the same about me after she watches mine.

  I knock on her door with an eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach. On one hand, I'm more nervous than I've ever been in my life. On the other hand, it feels like a giant weight is being lifted off my shoulders.

  She opens the door after the second knock and looks up at me.

  I shove the disk in her hand. “I need you to watch this. It's everything important you need to know about me.”

  She opens her mouth to say something, but I guess the look I give her stops her. Instead, she gives me a small nod before closing the door.

  I hear her rummaging around briefly on the other side of the door.

  Then I hear the words that will change everything.

  “My name is Jackson Reid. There are two things you need to know about me. The first—is that I'm in love with Alyssa Tanner. The second—is that I'm a murderer.”

  With my heart completely in her hands, I walk away.

  Chapter 29 (Alyssa)

  “Now you know, Alyssa. That's my story. He killed Lilly and I don't regret avenging her death. But I do regret not telling you sooner.”

  I watch as Jackson moves closer to the screen before pausing. “And just in case I never get the chance to say it again. I love you,” he says before the camera shuts off.

  I wipe my eyes and stand up.

  Then I run.

  Only this time...I'm not running from anything.

  I running toward something.

  I'm running as fast as I can to the man I love.

  The man that I still love. Maybe even more now.

  It's almost 4 in the morning and the rain is falling hard outside, It's coming down in buckets, causing me to almost slip on the concrete a few times, but I don't care.

  By the time I reach Jackson's apartment, I'm a shivering wet mess. I'm also pretty sure my lips are blue and I'm going to catch pneumonia, but I still don't care.

  Tyrone opens the door and I expect him to be surprised that I'm here but he's not. He just gives me a knowing smile and tells me that Jackson is in his room.

  He then offers me a blanket but I decline. Instead, I ask him if he would mind if I rummaged around the kitchen for a bit.

  He smiles even wider...until I inform him I'm not cooking him anything.

  I don't even knock on Jackson's door, I just walk right in.

  He's sitting up against the headboard of his bed, he's shirtless, his eyes are closed and the acoustic version of Shinedown's, Simple Man is playing on repeat in the background.

  I clear my throat and he startles. When he sees me his eyes flicker and his breathing picks up.

  He takes in my appearance and opens his mouth to say something, but I put my finger to my lips and hand him what's in my hand.

  He looks down at the cup of hot chocolate containing both cinnamon and whipped cream and his breathing becomes shaky.

  His eyes are glassy when he looks back up at me and his hand reaches out for mine.

  I take his hand and position myself on top him with both my legs on either side of his. I wrap my arms around him tighter than I ever have and my head falls against his chest. Then I plant a kiss over Lilly's name.

  We stay like that for a while, neither of us saying a word, which is fine because this moment is too profound to ruin it with words.

  He's rubbing slow circles over my back and it feels amazing, but I have to fight off another chill due to my drenched clothes.

  Jackson notices this and hauls me upright so that I'm facing him. He motions for me to raise my arms and I do. He starts lifting my shirt, and since I ran out of my apartment wearing nothing but pajamas I'm not wearing a bra. He quickly balls my wet shirt in his hand and throws it across the room causing it to land with a wet thud.

  I feel the flush in my cheeks due to being topless in front of him, but it quickly turns to arousal when Jackson leans down and flicks his tongue over my nipple. He does the same to my other nipple and I feel the warmth that he's providing me spread throughout my body.

  He lets out a low groan as he begins massaging and kneading my breasts and I can't help myself from sighing his name.

  Not before long, my pants are joining my t-shirt on the floor and I'm completely naked before him.

  His eyes blaze as he scans over my body and pulls me back to him.

  I straddle him and his hands dig into my lower back as he plants gentle kisses along my chest leading up to my neck and finally my lips.

  I feel his erection through the flannel of his pants and I grind against it shamelessly, wanting more than anything to feel him inside me.

  He runs his fingertips along my hips and blows his breath across my nipples, the sensations causing goosebumps to break out over my skin.

  His mouth finds the pulse point on my neck and he drags his tongue along it as his finger dips inside me. The sound of his fingers plunging into my wetness fill the room, but I'm too turned on to feel self-conscious at this point.

  I'm on the verge of having an orgasm when Jackson pauses and pulls his pants down. He holds the base of his erection and slips his length between my folds, but doesn't enter me. I look down and lick my lips when I see that my slickness is coating his cock, making it glisten.

  He gives me a smirk before he circles the barbell of his piercing directly over my clit causing me to come harder and faster than I ever knew was possible.

  He peppers my neck with kisses as the last of my climax trickles out of me and onto him. I'm desperate to have him inside me at this point and I know he feels the same because he reaches into the nightstand drawer and gets out a condom.

  He looks at the condom then back to me and I nod my head, letting him know that I want this.

  I'm waiting for him to put it on, but instead, he cradles my face in his hands and gives me a look that steals my breath. His eyes penetrate me and I can feel how much he loves me with a single glance.

  He puts the condom on and pulls me in for another long and sultry kiss. I think he's going to enter me and start fucking me, but he doesn't.

  Instead, he grips my hips and gently lifts me before slowly setting me down on top of his erection. I feel him enter me inch by inch gradually, purposely taking his time to make sure I'm not in any discomfort.

  Once he's filled me up to the hilt, I begin bouncing on top of him rapidly, wanting to make it good for him. He groans my name and curses under his breath. Then his hands press down on my thighs causing me to pause my movements while he pulls me in for another slow kiss.

  In a single movement, he flips us so that he's the one on top before he begins thrusting inside me. His thrusts are both deep and gentle rendering me breathless. He looks at me as he reaches down and links our fingers together before bringing them above my head.

  This concept of going slow and sweet is so new and foreign to me. I'm far from a virgin, but I've never had sex like this before. I've never had anyone take their time and worship me or my body. It makes me feel loved and cherished in a way I never knew was possible.

  Jackson brushes the tear from my cheek and leans his forehead against mine. “I love you,” he whispers. I tell him that I love him too and it's such a tender moment between us, I know I'll never forget it.

  I always thought that when Jackson and I had sex it would be a frantic frenzy filled with lust, with him racing to the finish line. I never knew that it would be this passionate and powerful or that it would somehow intensify the connection between us.

  Our guards are down and our insides have been stripped, leaving us bare in so many ways. There's something so beautiful and raw about what's happening right now.

  My legs start to shake and an all-consuming climax begins to take over my body, heightened by the emotions flowing through me. Jackson stares down at me, watching me with hooded eyes.

  His face is strained and I know he's trying to hold off, but I want him to let go at the same time I do. I untangle my hands from his, skim over his broad back and grab hold of his ass while my walls clench around him and I sigh his name. I watch as the muscles in his forearms flex and his mouth parts open before he whispers my name and his release swiftly follows mine.

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