Blame It on the Pain Read online

  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Blame It on the Pain

  Prologue (Jackson)

  Three years later...

  Chapter 1 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 2 (Jackson)

  Chapter 3 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 4 (Jackson)

  Chapter 5 (Jackson)

  Chapter 6 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 7 (Jackson)

  Chapter 8 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 9 (Jackson)

  Chapter 10 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 11 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 12 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 13 (Jackson)

  Chapter 14 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 15 (Jackson)

  Chapter 16 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 17 (Jackson)

  Chapter 18 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 19 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 20 (Jackson)

  Chapter 21 (Alyssa)

  Three months later...

  Chapter 22 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 23 (Jackson)

  Chapter 24 (Jackson)

  Chapter 25 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 26 (Jackson)

  Chapter 27 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 28 (Jackson)

  Chapter 29 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 30 (Jackson)

  Chapter 31 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 32 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 33 (Jackson)

  Chapter 34 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 35 (Jackson)

  Chapter 36 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 37 (Jackson)

  Chapter 38 (Alyssa)

  Three weeks later...

  Chapter 39 (Alyssa)

  Chapter 40 (Jackson)

  Chapter 41 (Jackson)

  Chapter 42 (Jackson)

  Epilogue (Jackson)

  About the Author

  1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

  Acknowledgments

  BLAME IT ON THE PAIN

  Ashley Jade

  Blame It on the Pain

  Ashley Jade

  COPYRIGHT

  First published in USA, May 2016

  Copyright © Ashley Jade

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor be circulated in writing of any publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published without a similar condition including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictional manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or deceased, or events is purely coincidence.

  .

  Attribution

  A special thank you to the photographers listed here as we greatly appreciate their work and artistry.

  Picture Acknowledgments

  Some photos use are used via creative commons and built upon the originals.

  https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

  **Trigger Warning**

  This series is not suitable for readers under 18.

  Blame It on the Pain

  “Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.”

  ―Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

  Prologue (Jackson)

  Pain. It hurts us. It pushes us. It punishes us.

  Or, for the few poor souls out there like me...it defines us.

  I'm not a good person.

  There are no redeeming qualities about me...not anymore.

  Any that I had, I'd given to the devil on the night that changed everything.

  The night my baby sister died.

  The night I murdered her killer.

  Yes, I've taken a life...and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

  I grew up in Boston. For the most part, I was just an average hard working kid trying to make it into the professional world of MMA fighting.

  My mom kicked the bucket when I was 18 from a heroin overdose, and if you know where my father is...well then, give that asshole sperm donor a big 'fuck you' for me.

  It's safe to say that Lilly was the only family I had.

  She was four years younger than me, and I spent most of my life either looking out for her or bitching about how annoying she was.

  After our mom died, it was just her and I.

  Who am I kidding...it was her and I since day one.

  My mother's death changed nothing.

  In fact, Lilly's high school didn't even question when I was the one who stepped up and filled in for all the parental duties.

  Here's where I fucked up.

  I let my best friend date my little sister.

  Mike was training to become a professional MMA fighter as well.

  We all grew up together, and one day, I caught him making eyes at Lilly...or rather, her making eyes at him.

  Obviously, I put an end to that shit as soon as it started.

  When she was 14.

  The next four years were filled with them making constant googly eyes at one another, but other than that- we were like the three musketeers.

  Lilly would even watch us train...she was like our own personal cheerleader.

  I'd see her innocent blue eyes and strawberry blonde curls routing for us at every single session.

  On her 18 birthday...I caved.

  "I'm in love with your sister and I swear to god, I'm going to marry her one day," Mike said as I choked on my beer.

  Before I even had time to knock him out or protest...Lilly's 5'1, lanky frame bounced into the room and landed beside Mike.

  She grabbed his hand and looked up at me. "I love him, Jackson."

  I grunted and downed the rest of my beer before I reached over and grabbed Mike by his shoulders. "Outside...now."

  He let go of Lilly's hand and followed me out to the porch.

  The old wooden swing seat creaked under our weight when we sat down. "You're 22...she's 18."

  He laughed. "I know. But it's really not that much of an age difference anymore, especially now that she's legal.” He looked down at his feet. “Besides, I've loved her since she was 14."

  My stomach knotted and I balled my fists. "That's disgusting."

  He rolled his eyes. "Obviously, I didn't do anything about it, asshole,” he said. “It’s not like that. It’s more than sex."

  My entire body tensed at those words and I stood up.

  I was about two seconds away from knocking his lights out when he shouted, "Which we still haven't had, I swear!"

  We both breathed a sigh of relief then. "Look, I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her. Now the only question is whether you're going to be happy and support us, or if it's going to come to blows and we're going to ruin a friendship over it. Not to mention, possibly ruining your relationship with your sister."

  I shook my head. "You're a fucking prick."

  He gave me a wry smile. "No, I'm not, Jackson. If I was, you would have knocked my ass out already. You know I'm a good guy. You know I'll take care of her. I'm your best friend for crying out loud."

  I crossed my arms over my chest. "You hurt her, I'll kill you. You knock her up before she's 30, I'll kill you. If you cheat on her, I'll kill you. If you ever make her cry...I'll kill you."

  He looked me in the eyes. "If I ever do any of those things; then, I wouldn't want to live anyway." He paused. "So, does this mean we have your blessing?"I halfheartedly gave a nod as I heard Lilly come bouncing out the front door.

  Her smile was infectious and her eyes were gleaming.

  She wrapped her arms around me tighter tha
n she ever had before.

  "I love you, big brother...this is the best birthday ever!"

  I sighed and returned her hug.

  ***

  For two years Mike kept his promise.

  He treated her like gold and I'd never seen Lilly happier.

  Both Mike and I continued to train hard, trying to make it big in the MMA world.

  We trained at one of the best gyms and had a coach who swore our big break was right around the corner.

  He was right.

  Mike was closing in on a deal with a big time sponsor, and I was about to sign a pretty big endorsement deal with a sponsor myself.

  My first professional fight was scheduled for one week away.

  At almost 24, my dreams were finally coming true.

  I was so wrapped up in my own world...I never noticed the signs.

  I never noticed when my sister’s innocent blue eyes lost their sparkle.

  I never noticed when her bubbly personality changed.

  I almost didn't notice when she stopped showing up to watch us train.

  "What's up with my sister? I haven't talked to her in like two weeks. She hasn't shown up here lately...why is that?" I asked Mike as we headed to the locker room after a training session.

  Mike shrugged. "I don't know, she's been studying really hard. I think she wanted to go shopping today. She said something about wanting to get a new outfit for the big fight next week."

  I laughed. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Her boyfriend and big brother are having their first professional fight on the very same night."

  I knew that no matter how hard Lilly's intense course load at Harvard was, she wouldn't miss the fight for the world.

  He looked down and I watched as he shifted his weight from foot to foot. "Yeah..."

  Something was off. I put my hand on his shoulder. "What's going on?"

  He shrugged me off and walked toward the showers. "Just a little nervous is all," he called out.

  I finished showering before he did.

  I walked over to our lockers and proceeded to get dressed. He stupidly left his locker half open...and that's when I noticed it.

  A tiny bottle of something that wasn't labeled...along with a needle.

  It didn't take a genius to figure out what it was.

  Steroids.

  I swiped it from his locker and waited for him to come out. "What the fuck are you doing, Mike? Are you trying to ruin your career before it even starts?" I screamed.

  He looked around the locker room. "Keep your fucking voice down. What if coach hears you?" he hissed as he reached for the bottle.

  I pulled back. "Over my dead body. No way am I letting you ruin everything you've worked so hard for. What the fuck is the matter with you? I never thought you would do something like this!"

  He punched the locker beside him. "Everybody in the sports industry uses, Jackson. I'm going to stop after I win the next few fights...it's just enough to put me on the map."

  "You're an idiot. You're about to sign a deal with a big sponsor! You don't think they're going to test you for roids? Even more than that, you're ruining the integrity of the sport. All sports. Passion is what should be flowing through your body...not this shit."

  "Look, some of us don't have it like you do. Some of us need a little help from time to time. And I’m not the only athlete to ever try it, most have. It’s just a little pick me up."

  I shook my head and glared at him. "This isn't a 'pick me up', this shit will send you straight to hell in a hand-basket. Train better, work harder...don't do this shit."

  He sighed and slumped down on the bench. "You're right. I fucked up, I've just been so nervous and I'm second guessing myself. I don't want to lose."

  I sat down next to him. "I understand. What makes you think I'm not feeling the same way? This is a huge deal for us, and it's normal to be nervous. Use that nervous energy as positive fuel. This shit will ruin your life."

  He nodded. "Don't tell Lilly about this, please."

  "I won't. Besides, if she knew, the fight next week would be the least of your worries. I'm pretty sure she'd kick your ass so bad you wouldn't be able to train for weeks."

  He grinned and began changing into his street clothes. "Yup, you're right about that. God, I love that woman."

  ***

  Blood.

  So much blood. Everywhere.

  That's one of the things that I remember most about that fateful night.

  To this day, I can still close my eyes and recall every single surface marked by blood. The metallic smell of it permeating my nostrils, the way it smeared the walls, the way it pooled on the floor, the large bloody hand print on the wall.

  The night my entire world changed, was also the night of the big fight.

  I had won. It was a close match and I was definitely swinging for the fences like my life depended on it. My opponent ended up tapping out after a hard uppercut to his jaw that sent him staggering, followed by an axe kick which finished him off.

  I looked out into the crowd expecting to see Lilly's smiling face...but I didn't.

  Even more alarming...Mike never showed up for his own fight.

  Some guy named Tyrone ended up taking his place and won after 3 minutes of conducting an intense ground and pound on his opponent that was brutal enough to make me wince.

  Something was definitely wrong...I felt it in my bones. I hightailed it out of the arena while dialing their numbers repeatedly.

  I hopped in my truck and headed straight for their apartment.

  When I walked in I had to take a step back.

  My worst nightmare couldn't have conjured up what was waiting for me on the other side of the door.

  Everything seemed to play out in slow motion while I tried to take in and process what I was seeing.

  The first thing I noticed was the large bloody hand print against the stark white wall of their small kitchen. My eyes dropped down and my heart squeezed for dear life when I saw the large pool of blood on the floor. It expanded and rounded a corner leading up to the living room.

  I didn't want to know where it was coming from...but I knew I had no choice but to find out.

  I closed my eyes and took a few tentative steps forward until I rounded the corner.

  There on the floor beside the couch...was where my heart turned into dust and my world as I knew it, would cease to exist.

  My small, fragile, baby sister's pale, cold, lifeless body was laid out before me.

  Her shirt was torn and bruises covered most of her limp, frail, body.

  The image still haunts me in my darkest moments.

  I dropped down beside her and willed her to wake up.

  How could someone do this to her? My innocent baby sister. The greatest person I'd ever known.

  I shook her, I shouted her name. I begged and I pleaded harder than I ever had in my life.

  “Who would do this to you, Lilly?” I whispered, as I held her. “Come on baby sis, wake up. Please,” I continued to beg as I felt the first few tears start rolling down.

  My thoughts went wild. I thought up dozens of different scenarios in that moment. Everything from a burglar, a secret stalker at the college she attended, to a drug dealer who had the wrong house looking for his money.

  Mike. Where the hell was he?

  Shit, maybe whoever did this was holding Mike hostage somewhere?

  I looked back down at Lilly and my chest felt like it caved in. Something deep within me had severed in that moment. Nothing would ever be the same again.

  I looked up to the ceiling and screamed with tears streaming down my face.

  I heard some kind of rustling in the distance, near the bedroom down the hallway, before a tall shadow loomed before me.

  I knew that shadow well. Almost as well as I knew my own.

  I gently let go of Lilly's body and rose from the ground.

  He had the makings of what looked like was going to be a black eye. He also had a fairly large scratch acr
oss his cheek.

  I quickly looked down at Lilly's pink nails and noticed some dried blood caked under them.

  She fought like hell.

  I lifted my head and glared at him. I looked him right in the eyes...and I knew.

  He did this.

  He killed her.

  He murdered my baby sister...the girl he swore he would love and protect.

  Suddenly everything made sense...like why she never showed up to watch us at practice anymore. Why she seemed so distant. Why she didn't seem as happy anymore when I talked to her.

  He was abusing her...and I ignored all the signs.

  I didn't protect my sister...the only person in the world that I loved more than anything.

  He bowed his head and teetered back as I advanced toward him. He held up his hands. “Just let me explain. It was an accident. It was her fau—”

  Rage filled my blood, and it burned through my veins. I punched him hard. Hard enough that I heard the satisfying snap of his jaw dislocating. “Don't you dare try to blame her. Did you give Lilly a chance to talk before you beat the shit out of her and killed her!” I screamed as I punched him again, even harder. This time, sending him to the floor.

  He tried to get up but I sent a sharp kick to his ribs. “I told you what I would do to you if you ever hurt her,” I sneered before I picked him up by his hair and bashed his head into the nearest wall.

  He tried to fight me off, but he didn't stand a chance in hell.

  I punched him again and relished when I saw a few teeth fall out. Blood filled his mouth as I dragged him into the kitchen, purposely knocking his head into every hard surface I could find along the way.

  We grappled for a few more minutes before I landed on top of him. I continued to punch him letting my rage take over.

  “It was the steroids, Jackson. It turned me into a different person. I don't know who I am anymore. Lilly pissed me off and—” he started to sputter through the blood in his mouth.

  The fact that he was even attempting to defend himself and still blame Lilly after what he had done only fueled my anger and pain.

  “You're a fucking killer,” I growled before I dealt another blow to his head.