Blame It on the Pain Read online

  Tyrone shoves another bite of food in his mouth. “I told you, Momma. I'm fine.”

  She gives him a pensive look. “So, you're saying that you're completely over Shelby, then?”

  Ricardo and I groan in unison. Here we go.

  “I'm happy for her,” he starts before he takes another bite of food. “I wish her all the best with her rich, stuck up, stupid—” He takes a drink. “Ugly, no fun, small dick, stupid—”

  “You said stupid already,” Ricardo reminds him.

  Tyrone tips his drink at him. “Lousy, good for nothing, wanna- be cowboy, lying, cheating, mullet haircut, dumb ass, man-boy, soon to be husband.”

  He grips his fork and knife. “Really, guys...I'm fine. I hope they have a happy life and have a million mullet-haircut wearing babies.”

  That went better than expected.

  Momma looks at him. “And nothings gonna change your mind about that, buttercup?”

  He stabs his eggs. “You got that right.”

  Momma daintily wipes her mouth with her napkin. “I guess it won't matter then.”

  Tyrone takes the bait. “What won't matter?”

  She smiles from ear to ear. “The fact that last night, our very own Shelby ran right out of her wedding rehearsal in tears. Screaming up a storm about how it should be you who should be standing up at that altar waiting for her.”

  “Fucking shit, man,” Ricardo says.

  “Well, I'll be damned. Girl's finally come to her senses,” I say.

  Tyrone shakes his head. “No. There's too much water under the bridge. Too much devastation in our wake.”

  “Don't be stupid. You better go after her,” Alyssa says, much to everyone's surprise.

  We all look at her while she looks at Tyrone and continues, “I'm just saying that when you love someone. You don't give up on them. You fight for them. It doesn't matter what obstacles are standing in the way.” She takes a breath. “When you love someone, you hold their hand when they're too scared to move forward because all they've ever known is a past that's full of despair and emptiness. When you love someone, you realize that every bit of pain you ever endured is worth it because you found the person who's the very best part of your life.” She shrugs. “Or at least, that's how I imagine love is supposed to be. Despite whatever bullshit might have happened between you two.”

  I look at her in awe, but the moment is ruined when Lou-Lou snorts and makes a face at her.

  Momma points the spatula in Alyssa's direction. “I knew I had a good feeling about her. She's right, baby. You cain't never could. Which is why I bought you a plane ticket. We leave in a few hours.” She pauses and looks at Ricardo. “Don't worry. He'll be back by Monday.” She grimaces. “And if he's a little late you tell that no good, son-of-a-bitch De—”

  “That's great,” I say loudly, cutting Momma off before she says DeLuca's name. “I think you should go,” I tell Tyrone.

  Momma smiles and Tyrone looks at me. “Yeah, alright. But you know what will happen if it doesn't work out, right?”

  “Don't worry. I'll have a bottle of Jack Daniel's ready to go and a copy of Nelly's greatest hits in the CD player. Along with a few Hulk dvd's.”

  He smiles and reaches over to give me a pound. “My man.”

  Ricardo laughs. “You better lock that up quick, Alyssa. Looks like you might have some competition on your hands.”

  She leans forward and crinkles her nose. “I'm not afraid of a little competition.” She hikes a thumb in Tyrone's direction. “However, I don't think I can possibly compare to this alpha male with his pretty piercing over here.”

  The room erupts in laughter...with the exception of Lou-Lou who just crosses her arms and sucks her teeth.

  “So,” Lou-Lou says while narrowing her eyes at Alyssa. “I take it you spent the night in Jackson's bed? Really giving it the old college try with him, huh? Tell me, how was it at NYU?”

  Everyone goes silent and Alyssa blinks and looks down, shame all across her face.

  I've never wanted to take my temper out on a woman before, until this moment. I absolutely hate that she just did that to her.

  Alyssa glances in the direction of the door but I grip her hand under the table and glare at Lou-Lou. “At least she was actually invited to spend the night in my bed. Not just sniffing around me like some dog wanting to get their paws on some scraps.” My pupils constrict as I stare down at her. “And despite what you may think, staying up all night and having a meaningful conversation with someone you care about is so much better than being used for sex. But we all know you wouldn't know about that, Lou-Lou. Now would you?”

  Momma claps her hands. “Okay. Who wants seconds?”

  Alyssa looks up at me in wonder. “Me. I want more. I would love more.”

  I search her eyes, feeling the impact of her words hit me right in the center of my chest. I bring her hand to my lips and kiss it. “Me too.”

  I don't know what I'm doing, but I can't stop myself.

  There are a million reasons why I shouldn't be pursuing this. Reasons like the fact that DeLuca basically owns my ass for the next 7 years.

  Reasons...like what he did to her.

  There aren't enough words to express how I feel about what he took away from Alyssa.

  Not to mention, the fact that I, myself am technically a murderer. And given her own past, I'm sure she won't be so understanding about that.

  If I tell her, I could lose her.

  And I think I might just be the one person in her life who would be good for her. I would never use her.

  Which leads me to my next thought.

  Something hasn't been sitting well with me since she told me about what happened to her father.

  Her strange relationship with her dad's old partner, Ford.

  I mean, what the hell was that in the interrogation room? That was the very definition of coercion if there ever was one.

  And on a 10-year-old? I get that he was trying to protect her, but there's a small part of me that feels like he was also out to save his own skin and maybe his intentions weren't as pure as she thinks they were.

  However, I can't tell her that. When she talks about Ford, it's clear she still holds him in very high regard, even to this day- although she told me that he's no longer in her life.

  And if I'm being honest with myself, I'm glad about that.

  I've got all these reasons swirling around in my head, but through it all...one thought keeps breaking through the fog.

  I want her.

  My God, do I want her.

  But, if I don't slow this thing down...I could lose her.

  I meant what I said to her earlier. I don't want to be used by her...and I don't want to rock the boat and make things worse for her. I also don't want to stir things up with my own sexual desires.

  I have to slow this down. I have to proceed with caution...not that I should even be proceeding at all.

  I let go of her hand and move my plate away. “But, I shouldn't. Sometimes too much, too fast can leave you in a lot of pain.”

  She gives me an inquisitive look before holding her plate out to Momma. “Or sometimes you have to say to hell with it and indulge a little. You might miss out on a good thing and by the time you decide you want it, it's all gone.”

  Tou-fucking-ché.

  Momma fills up her plate with more food. “A girl after my own heart.” Her eyes land on Lou-Lou and her barely eaten food. “Men like a little something to hold onto. Can't be all skin and bones with no derriere.” She scans the room. “Ain't that right, boys?”

  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Momma definitely likes Alyssa much more than she does Lou-Lou.

  “Yes, Ma'am,” we all say in unison while Lou-Lou rolls her eyes and tosses her napkin in her dish.

  “I just realized something,” Tyrone says in my direction. “If I hop on that plane...I'll miss your fight tomorrow night.”

  “You have a fight tomorrow night?” Alyssa interje
cts.

  I look down at my plate, hoping with everything that Alyssa doesn't want to come...because she won't like my response.

  “Yeah.” I rub the back of my neck. “Tyrone. It's okay if you miss my fight. It's not a big deal. There will be others.”

  Shit, I didn't mean for the last part of that sentence to come out so tense.

  “I'll come,” Alyssa says, excitement in her tone. “Tomorrows my birthday and I don't have any other plans. I'd love to watch.”

  How the hell did I overlook that? Fucking hell.

  Momma leaps up from the table. “Oh, sugar. I wish I would have known your birthday was tomorrow. I would have whipped you up something special.”

  “You can't come,” I whisper.

  Alyssa laughs and pats her tummy. “It's okay, Momma. This breakfast was more than enough.” She continues talking, obviously not hearing me. “So, do I need to purchase tickets for this thing, or what?”

  “No, because you're not coming,” I grind out softly, hoping she hears me this time.

  Momma looks contemplative. “No. I'll admit, I haven't seen many of their fights. I don't much care for the violence, but every time I've ever gone...I just show up with Ricardo and they let me right in the door.” She winks. “If that doesn't work, you can always tell them you're Jackson's girl. They'll let you right in.”

  Motherfucking shit.

  Alyssa looks at Ricardo. “Is it okay if I tag along with you?”

  Ricardo opens his mouth to answer.

  I slam my hand down on the table, startling everyone. “Goddammit, No. You're not coming to my fight! I don't want you there!”

  Alyssa turns to me, her mouth open wide. “O-oh.” She looks down. “Okay. Gosh, I'm sorry. I thought...”her voice trails off.

  And just like that, I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world.

  Ricardo looks at me, understanding in his eyes before he turns his gaze on her. “You got attacked the last time, remember? And this time, Tyrone won't be there to help. None of us will; because he'll be in the cage and I'll be stuck on the sidelines. We can't have you sitting in the crowd all alone. It's not safe.”

  Well, he's not exactly wrong. It's not safe for her. Especially when I put a fucking target on her back because I stopped the fight for her the last time she was there.

  I know DeLuca saw that shit when he went through the footage. I can only hope that he didn't recognize her because it's been so long.

  Because thinking that he won't care that she showed up at his club would be a rookie mistake. And if she keeps showing up and taunting him like a mouse taunts a cobra...well we're fucked.

  I just have to make sure she never goes to the club or the gym...ever.

  I gesture toward Ricardo. “Exactly. That's exactly why I don't want you there. I'm sorry for being an asshole about it.”

  She pulls on her lip before saying, “Okay. I wish I could be there for you. But, I guess...I get it. Like you said, there will be other fights.”

  Great...a temporary solution to a permanent problem. Perfect.

  I really need to talk to her about this...in private.

  A part of me thinks that maybe I should come clean. Tell her that I work for DeLuca.

  But then, she'll expect me to quit...not that I blame her. God how I want to be free from his chains that bind me.

  Then when I don't quit...she'll be upset and I'll have no choice but to tell her why I work for DeLuca in the first place.

  Then I lose her.

  And she realizes that yet another person she put her trust in...hurt her and fucked her over.

  Then she goes back to doing what she was doing before I met her.

  The thought of that kills me. I can see the real her now. I can feel her opening herself up to me little by little.

  And I want every single part of it.

  I want to be the person she smiles at.

  I want to take this burden she carries on her shoulders away for good.

  I want her to see herself the way I see her...see how amazing she is...and realize that the horrible past she has doesn't determine her future.

  I want her to start living.

  I want her to be mine.

  No. I can't tell her.

  I can't.

  I fucking can't.

  Chapter 14 (Alyssa)

  After Jackson's outburst, the rest of breakfast was a little awkward, to say the least.

  “You gonna hurt my boy?” I look up from the sink full of dishes that I'm currently washing.

  Ebony eyes that seem to pierce right through me hold my gaze.

  I almost drop the damn dish.

  “No,” I tell her honestly. “That is not my intention at all.” I can't help the flush that works its way up my cheeks. “Jackson's incredible. I'd be an idiot to mess up a chance with him.” I close my eyes. “My past isn't that great. I've made a lot of mistakes. Some my fault, some not my fault...but I'm working on it. I want to be better,” I say.

  My eyes pop open with my words.

  I never thought it was possible for me to want something more out of life again. I never thought I was worth anything more after that day in Ford's office.

  She makes a face. “Sugar, don't get me wrong. Now, Jackson is incredible...that heart of his is incomparable to any others. And while he might look like one- he is not some mythical creature or a God. At the end of the day, he's just a man.” She holds me by my shoulders. “All I'm saying is that you're a prize, too. You have to cut a diamond in order to make smaller diamonds, darlin'. But you still have to cut the original diamond first. So in the end, it's the imperfections that really make us shine so beautifully. It would do you well to remember that.”

  And with those words she walks away.

  After I finish drying the dishes and put them away, I head out to the hallway. It's almost noon and I need to get home and take a shower. I also have the urge to visit my father's grave again.

  Which is odd, because visiting it yesterday afternoon was hard enough for me. I hardly ever go because I always feel like an abomination of some sort. Like I don't deserve to even be there because he'd be so ashamed of the person I've become.

  I'll never get Ford's words out of my head.

  I'm stopped in my tracks when I see Jackson and Momma hugging. It looks like they're having a moment and I don't want to intrude.

  I also can't seem to look away. His big arms are wrapped around her and his eyes are closed while she whispers something to him. I almost wish I had a camera to capture the moment because I love how much love he has for the woman standing before him.

  When he pulls away, she holds his face in her tiny hands. “You're a good man, Jackson,” she whispers with tears in her eyes. “You're a good person. Lilly would want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy.” She gives him a kiss on his cheek. “I love you. You're my boy and don't you ever forget it.”

  “Love you too, Momma,” he whispers, his voice cracking slightly.

  I have to take a few deep breaths to stop myself from falling apart. Momma's tenderness reminds me of my father and the last conversation I ever had with him. I haven't felt what it's like to be truly loved since that day. My mother didn't know how to love me anymore because she was so consumed by her grief.

  I know Ford loved me, for a little while at least. In my own twisted head...I think he still does. And I know I cling to it in my darkest hours because it's all I had after I lost my father.

  I turn down the hall and head back to the kitchen. I'm still batting my eyes when I hear their footsteps approach.

  Jackson gives me a strange look. “You alright?”

  “Yeah.” I cough. “Just got something in my eye.”

  He pulls me gently by my elbow and ushers me into the bedroom. “Can we talk for a minute?”

  “Sure. I have to leave, though, can we talk while you walk me to my car?”

  He rubs his neck. “I'm not kicking you out or anything. I have to head to the gym for a few hour
s, but you're more than welcome to stay here and relax. You can even spend the night again if you want.”

  I grab my jacket. “Thanks. But I have to take care of a few things today.”

  His jaw tightens and he pulls a sweatshirt over his head. “Okay. I guess I'll walk you out then.”

  I say a quick goodbye to Momma and the guys, purposely ignoring Lou-Lou on my way out. She's not worth my time anymore. Besides, Jackson more than took care of her anyway.

  I realize that we've already made it out the front doors of the apartment complex and he still hasn't said a word to me. For someone who wanted to talk to me, he's being awfully quiet. “Penny for your thoughts?” I ask.

  He shuffles his feet and plays with the strings on his sweatshirt. “Look, if I asked you to do something...or rather not to do something would you?”

  I tip my head back. “It would depend on what it was, I guess. But for the most part, I don't see why not. What's up?”

  He winds the string around his finger and it's funny because that's exactly how I'm feeling at the moment. Like I'm about to be wrapped right around his finger.

  “I don't want you to—” He rubs his face. “Look, I really need you to promise me you won't ever show up at the fight club or the gym...ever. It's not safe for you at either of those places. Even if you go with Tyrone. There's no guarantee that something won't happen and he could prevent it.”

  I don't know how to feel about his request. On one hand, I'm flattered that he's looking out for my safety. On the other, something is a little off. “I guess I can get behind not going to the fight club....but why not the gym? What's so dangerous there?”

  His eyes dart to the floor and he shuffles his feet again. “I don't need the distraction when I'm training,” he says gruffly.

  I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered again.

  He lifts his hood. “I can't keep my eyes off of you when you're in the room. I'm liable to get knocked out or something.”

  “So I'll go to a different room.”

  He grabs my jacket and tugs me to him. “I'll still feel your presence. I feel you everywhere, Alyssa.”

  Butterflies attack poor Momma's breakfast with a vengeance when he utters those words.

  I stare at him wide-eyed as he skims the left side of my cheek with his finger. “Promise me, please. It's a hard limit for me. I can't have you at either of those places.”