Blame It on the Pain Read online

  He shakes his head. “No. It is his club. Stop lying to me. Christ, Alyssa...all I needed you to do was go undercover for a week or two— not really all that difficult.”

  Easy for him to say, he doesn't have the scars that I do. The scars caused by being a 10-year-old who watched their father get brutally murdered in front of them. All while the killer looked right into her eyes and smirked.

  But I still walked into that club knowing it might be his. I still took the risk.

  “I'm telling you, it's not his club. Jesus, you think I don't want to help you nail DeLuca? You think I would lie to you about something so important?”

  He releases my arm. “How good was the source of your intel?”

  Guilt hits me when Jackson's face crosses my mind. Luke, the guy who hired me, was actually my original target. And Lou-Lou quickly became my backup. Well, before I found out what a bitch she was.

  I never intended to make Jackson my source, but in the end, he provided me with the answers I needed. And I have no reason not to believe him. He's never lied to me before.

  “Trust me,” I say, while digging in my purse for my keys. “I couldn't have found a better source unless it was DeLuca himself.”

  Ford's eyes narrow while he holds my car door open for me. “What makes you think this source didn't lie to you?”

  I think about this for a second before replying, “Because I trust this person.”

  He looks down at my t-shirt and scowls. “Well, I think he's wrong. I'll find another way to get you undercover at a different establishment of DeLuca's.” I open my mouth to protest but he grabs the back of my neck. “And when I do...don't fuck it up again by spreading your goddamn legs for your source this time.”

  He releases me and slams the door.

  It's only when I'm pulling in the driveway that it dawns on me. How does Ford know my source was a he in the first place?

  My phone rings and Ford's name lights up the screen. I debate not answering it, but decide, to just get it over with.

  “Yeah?” I answer.

  “Listen, I'm sorry. I was a little too hard on you back there. I wasn't very nice to you and you didn't deserve that.” He takes a breath. “I'm under a lot of pressure at work, especially with this new promotion.”

  Two apologies from Ford in one day? It must be a full moon.

  “How did you know my source was a he?”

  I hear paper rustling in the background. “What?”

  “You heard me, Ford. How did you know it was a guy?”

  “What exactly is it that you're accusing me of, Alyssa? You act like you don't trust me anymore.”

  He sighs when I stay silent. “I assumed it was a guy because you're a beautiful young woman walking into a goddamned underground fight club. For crying out loud, you went undercover as a ring girl. Not only would it make sense, but it would be smart for your target to have been male. Why do you think I asked you to do it in the first place? Trust me, none of my female agents look like you.”

  I hear the call waiting signal on the other line. I smile when I see Jackson's name.

  “Okay fine. I gotta go. Bye, Ford.” I go to press the button to hang up but his voice stops me. “Wait a minute, sweetheart.”

  “What?”

  “Are we okay? Because I really don't like that you felt the need to question me. You know I would never do anything to hurt you, right? I love you.”

  I roll my eyes because he's already hurt me too many times to count in my short 24 years, despite his love for me. “Yeah, I know. We're fine. Look, I have to go. I have another call. It's important.”

  I hang up without waiting for a response.

  “Hey, you,” Jackson's voice greets me on the other line.

  Wow, do I love the sound of his voice.

  I get so lost in that thought, my keys slip out of my hands when I go to open the front door.

  “Hey,” I respond. “What's up?”

  “Just wanted to make sure you made it home okay.” He pauses. “I got a little worried when you didn't respond to my text. I hope I didn't freak you out.”

  I mentally curse myself for never responding to him earlier. “You didn't. I was at the cemetery visiting my dad when I got it, though. I'm actually just walking in the door now.”

  I don't tell him about Ford...for obvious reasons. There's no way he'll understand our fucked up dynamic. Hell, I've never understood it. Not to mention, he'll probably be upset that I lied to him in the first place.

  “Oh.” I hear him draw in a breath. “I'm sorry.”

  Neither of us say a word for what feels like forever.

  I plop down on the couch.“Cue the awkward silence that death always ensues.”

  “You'd think we'd be experts at getting around it, huh?” He clears his throat. “Okay, change of subject. How was the rest of your day? Did you do anything else?”

  “Nope, just that.”

  “That's good.” He sounds relieved...which is interesting.

  “What exactly did you think I'd be doing, Jackson?”

  “Nothing,” he quickly says. “I'm just happy to hear that you weren't doing anything.”

  He curses under his breath. “That did not come out right.”

  I decide to cut to the chase. “Is that your weird way of saying you're happy to hear that I wasn't hanging out with another guy today?”

  “Yeah,” he admits. 'Yeah, I guess it is.”

  “I haven't.” I sit up and cradle the phone in my ear. “I haven't been with anyone since before we met.”

  Since the night he saved me from that guy in the parking lot, I think before his voice interrupts my thoughts. “Is it wrong that it makes me really happy to hear that?”

  “That all depends. Have there been any other girls in your bed beside me lately?”

  “What?” he says. “No. Not at all.”

  “Then it's not wrong. Because that makes me really happy as well.”

  “Good. I guess I'll see you tomorrow.”

  “See you tomorrow, Jackson. Good luck with your fight.”

  “Thanks. By the way,” he says before we hang up. “My sheets still smell like you. And I fucking love it.”

  Chapter 17 (Jackson)

  Ricardo was right, tonight ended up being a big fight for me. I won, but my opponent was a good 3 inches and 45lbs heavier than me.

  He also managed to land not one, but two, solid punches straight into my rib cage. Making it the second time I've been hit now during a match. He knocked the wind out of me for a moment.

  But then I thought about Alyssa...and how I needed to make it out of there in one piece so I could take her out for her birthday tonight.

  It was strange because it was the first and only time I didn't think about the night Lilly was murdered while in the cage.

  I'm not sure how I feel about it. I need that pain as my fuel. I need it as a reminder to never forget. A reminder to never forgive myself for what happened to Lilly.

  I'm standing in the mirror putting tape across my ribs when I hear a knock on the dressing room door.

  “Yeah,” I say.

  The door opens and it's the last person I want to see standing there.

  She's out of her fucking mind if she thinks I want to talk to her.

  “Get the fuck out,” I bark.

  “I'm sorry, Jackson,” Lou-Lou says.

  “Doesn't matter. You crossed a line that never should have been crossed.”

  “I was hurting.”

  I spin around and face her. “Hurting? Really? That's the best you got?” I scream. “Hurting,” I grit. “Hurting is having someone set you up with a sex tape. Hurting is finding out that the night you lost your virginity was posted online without your consent for all the world to see!”

  To her credit, she blanches. “I didn't...”

  “Yeah, that's just it, Lou-Lou ...you didn't. You didn't stop and think about how fucked up it was to play that tape in front of everyone. You didn't stop and think about how
it would make me feel. Hell, you didn't even stop and think about how Ricardo would react to you pulling some shit like that.”

  She steps back and looks at me. “Wow, you're really falling for her.”

  I stop and think about this for a second.

  No, I'm not in love with her. Not that I would know because I've never let myself fall in love before. But logically, I know I'm not in love because we've only known one another for a month.

  However, if there's a phase that comes right before love. Well, I might just be there. And something tells me that I am going to end up falling in love with her, whether I want to or not.

  “This isn't about me,” I argue. “What you did was wrong.”

  “I know and that's why I'm apologizing to you. I was jealous.”

  Before I can cut her off and tell her that I've never given her a reason to be jealous because I've turned down every advance she threw my way, she continues, “I've never had a guy look at me the way you look at her. I've never had someone defend me the way that you defend her. Or protect me, or care about me. I've never had someone in my corner...not once. I mean, why the hell do you think I'm like this in the first place?”

  I push past her. “I'm sorry about that, Lou-Lou. I really am. But, it still doesn't make it right.”

  “I know, Jackson. Trust me, I know. That's why I came to apologize.”

  “I can't forgive you,” I say and her lower lip trembles. “I'm not saying that I'll never forgive you...just not this second.”

  She lifts her chin. “Okay. I can understand that.” She looks down and shrugs. “It's more than Ricardo's willing to give me.”

  For a second, I feel bad. But then I remember what she did.

  I put on my shirt and head for the door. “Jackson,” she calls out.

  I close my eyes and let out a deep sigh. “Yeah?”

  “Word of advice? Since Alyssa and I are a lot alike.”

  I turn around and face her again. “You're nothing alike. She's not—”

  “Damaged?” Lou-Lou laughs. “Trust me, that girl is as broken as they come. It takes a damaged soul to know one. And just because she's trusting you enough to open up to you...it doesn't mean she's cured. It doesn't mean that her demons are gone. They're only temporarily camouflaged until something causes them to flare up again.” She points a finger at me. “Because let me tell you something about the broken people, Jackson. If you hurt us...we hurt deeper than others. If you hurt us...you drudge up every past hurt that we've ever experienced and send us into a tailspin right back down the rabbit hole.”

  I open my mouth to say something but she cuts me off. “Whether you mean to hurt us or not. It doesn't matter, because once we're in that tailspin...how do you think we cope? What do you think our go-to is? It's a vicious cycle and we end up taking down a lot of good people with us. People like you, Jackson. So be careful.”

  I slam the door behind me.

  Lou-Lou's wrong. Alyssa's not like her. She's stronger than her fucked up past. And she's got me now to help her get through it.

  ***

  I stop and pick up a bouquet of roses along the way to my apartment. It's not much, especially considering I'm still on the fence about giving her the other gift I have.

  I've never really done the whole dating thing before. Between taking care of Lilly, and training at the gym...there never was much time for girls...just sex. I figured I'd settle down after I spent a few years as a professional MMA fighter, but well, clearly my life didn't go down that road.

  I have no idea what to wear to this club. I looked at the flier she was talking about and it said costume optional but mask not.

  Mask.

  Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. The only time I wear a mask is at the bdsm club. The club where every sexual fantasy and carnal urge I have come to life. The place where I don't ask for control of my life, I take it.

  Christ...there's no way I'll be able to keep my hands off her tonight. Especially since she's now become the object of every sexual fantasy I have lately.

  I decide, to go with a black button down and dark jeans. On the bright side, at least my opponent didn't hit my face.

  There's a knock on the door and I look at my watch. Alyssa's right on time.

  My brain short circuits when I open the door.

  She's wearing a cropped black jacket and a short red dress that must be made out of silk because it looks as soft as her skin does.

  And don't even get me started on her legs.

  I don't know how a girl who's only 5'3 tops, has legs so shapely and long, but I'm not about to question God's beautiful creation. I'd rather just enjoy it and be thankful.

  I force myself to stop staring at those legs, which are showcased by a pair of black heels that I'm secretly wishing were digging into my back as she screams my name.

  “Are you okay, Jackson?” she asks, her expression puzzled.

  No, I'm not okay. I'm not okay because I told her we could only be friends not even 48 hours ago and every second after that has only made me regret ever saying those words.

  But then I remind myself of my reasons.

  I inwardly groan as I reach over and pick up the flowers and hand them to her.

  Her eyes are bright and I see that dimple. “They're beautiful. Thank you so much.” She bites her lip. “But I can't take them to the club.” She pushes me aside and heads for the kitchen. “We have to put them in water or they'll die.”

  She looks around the kitchen, her expression concerned. “You don't have a vase.”

  Shit, I didn't really think of that. This is a guy’s apartment. Of course, we don't have a vase lying around.

  I'm about to suggest she stick them in a bowl or something, but I hear another knock on the door.

  “Here, take this,” Ricardo says, handing me a vase.

  I raise an eyebrow. “You could probably give Ms. Cleo a run for her money. How did you know I'd need this?”

  “Saw you walking up the stairs with flowers. Figured it would come in handy.” He grins. “Although I am surprised that you and Tyrone's bromance hasn't reached the level of flowers.”

  “I wouldn't be one to talk, Ricardo,” I tease. “You're the one who just happened to have a vase.” I point across the hall. “Last time I checked, that was a one bedroom apartment. Tell me, what color flowers do you like to get yourself?”

  He looks down. “It's not mine. I had it for...someone.”

  Hmm, maybe him and Lou-Lou's relationship was more serious than I thought?

  “Oh hey, Ricardo. Thanks,” Alyssa says while taking the vase.

  Ricardo looks at her for a second too long before replying, “No problem. Wow, you look gorgeous.”

  I fight the urge to slam the door in his face. But then I remind myself that he's my friend and it's not his fault he's got a pair of eyeballs.

  She beams. “Thanks. It's my birthday. Jackson's taking me out to a club.”

  Something flashes across his face. But before I can question it he says, “Well, I hope you have a good night. You really deserve to have a good birthday, Alyssa.”

  She glances up at him and gives him a weird look, but then shakes her head. “Thanks, Ricardo. I'm um—” She pauses. “I'm gonna go put my flowers in water.”

  “Have a good night,” Ricardo says in my direction before he walks across the hall to his own apartment.

  What the heck just happened?

  I follow Alyssa into the kitchen where I find her filling the vase with water as she mumbles something under her breath.

  I put my hands on either side of the sink, caging her in. “Everything okay, Damsel?”

  She spins around and looks up at me. I didn't mean to end up so close to her, but like a moth to a fucking flame...here I am.

  She waves a hand. “Yeah. I'm fine. The flowers really are beautiful by the way. I love them.”

  “Good. Makes me feel better about the other thing I got you.”

  “What thing?”
r />   I back away, feeling like an idiot now for even bringing it up.

  “It's nothing, Alyssa. Really. I shouldn't have mentioned it.”

  She makes a face. “It's not nothing.” She puts out her hand and pouts. “Now give it to me.”

  I pull the jewelry box out and place it in her hand. Hoping like hell it won't ruin the night.

  I didn't intend on getting her jewelry—but it occurred to me that I've never seen her wear the necklace she told me about. I can only assume that she must have lost it.

  “I know it's not an exact replica or anything. But I tried to match up the goblin the way you described.”

  She looks down and her mouth opens wide. Her expression is unlike any I've ever seen before and she doesn't say a word.

  Shit. I made a mistake.

  I'm ready to apologize, but then she literally jumps into my arms, wraps her legs around my waist and hugs me so tight I almost send us both flying backward.

  “I take it you like it?” I ask. I don't even feel the pain in my ribs because her coconut scent surrounds me. And for the record, I was right. Her dress is made out of silk.

  I hear a small sniffle. “You have no idea how much,” she whispers.

  I stand there holding her for what feels like hours, not that I'm complaining. I would be more than content to hold her all night without ever venturing to the club. But I know how much she’s looking forward to it.

  “Are you ready?” I ask after I hear her breathing return back to normal.

  She slides down my body and I swallow hard. She turns around, hands me the box, and holds up her hair. “Would you mind?”

  My fingertips brush over her collarbone as I fasten the necklace around her neck.

  My lips hover over her ear. “You look breathtaking,” I whisper.

  Goosebumps erupt along her soft flesh and she fights a shiver. I meant to aim for her cheek, but before I know what I'm doing, my lips are grazing her neck.

  Then she moans and my self-control plummets.

  I force myself to back away. “Let's go.”

  “Okay,” she whispers.

  Before we leave, she reaches into her purse and pulls out a red and black masquerade mask for herself and hands me a black one.