Blame It on the Pain Read online

  I walk over to the fridge and grab a bottle of water.

  Tyrone, who's still in his hulk boxer shorts drums his fingers on the countertop and stares at me.

  “That girl is trouble with a capital F,” he starts.

  I roll my eyes. “Last time I checked, trouble begins with a T, Tyrone.”

  “Well, in her case it's F, because she will fuck you over and I don't mean in the bedroom. I know you don't date much, but seriously. Take my word for it, that girl is all kinds of trouble that you don't need.”

  “She's a nice girl...” I start to say.

  “I'm not judging, lord knows I've brought home my fair share of crazies...but last time I checked. Nice girls don't show up on people's doorsteps in handcuffs. Nor, do they go around headbutting other chicks.”

  I run a hand through my hair. “She was in trouble. It wasn't her fault.”

  He gives me a pointed look. “Yeah, it never is.” He sighs. “Please, just tell me that she didn't ask you for money already.” Apparently my expression must give me away because he lets out another sigh. “In her defense, she didn't ask. I basically gave her no choice but to take what I made from the fight tonight.”

  He spits out his drink. “You mean to tell me that you handed that girl over 5 grand!”

  “What?” a voice shrieks behind me.

  In a flash, Alyssa reaches inside her purse. “What the hell is the matter with you? Take your money back, now. I had no idea it was that much.”

  I begin to protest, but she slams the wad of cash down on the countertop while looking at Tyrone. “You should listen to your friend, Jackson. I'm not a good girl. You don't want to get mixed up with someone like me,” she says before she makes her way to the front door.

  I instinctively reach for her hand. “Stop. First off, you didn't ask me for the money, I gave it to you. Secondly, you've been drinking- you shouldn't be driving right now. And finally, I can make my own decisions regarding the people I hang out with. So, sit your ass down on the couch...now.”

  She raises an eyebrow at me before she takes a few tentative steps toward the couch in the living room and sits.

  Tyrone glances at the money on the counter and shrugs. “Maybe I misjudged you after all,” he says in Alyssa's direction before he heads to his bedroom.

  I walk out to the living room. “Anything else you want me to do?” she asks.

  “Yeah, tell me a little bit about yourself, for starters.”

  She smirks. “Please, like I'm sure you don't already know.”

  I have no idea what's she talking about, but I'm getting sick of her evasive answers.

  “You know what? Forget it,” I huff before I stand up.

  A few moments later I walk back out and hand her a fresh t-shirt and a pair of boxers.

  “What's this?”

  “What does it look like?”

  She shakes her head. “I had like one sip of alcohol. I'm fine to drive, really. I don't need to spend the night.”

  “You live over an hour away. It's already 2:30 in the morning. I'll take the couch, you can take my bedroom.”

  She stands up. “No, Jackson. You've already helped me way more than I deserve for one night. I can't keep taking advantage of you.”

  Her entire expression softens, and I can't help but think that maybe, she's finally going to let her guard down with me.

  “It's not taking advantage if I offer,” I insist.

  With a sigh, she holds out her hand and accepts the clothes. “Why are you being so nice to me?” she whispers.

  “Why not?” I counter.

  Then, to my complete surprise. She stands up on her tiptoes and plants a kiss on my cheek. “Thank you, Jackson.”

  I watch as she closes the door to the bedroom...and I can't help but think that maybe, Tyrone's right after all.

  This girl is trouble...but I still can't help but want to know what her demons are.

  ***

  A few hours later, I hear the sound of the balcony door close and I'm on my feet.

  I scrub a hand down my face and walk outside. The sunrise is coming up over the horizon and Alyssa's curled up on a chair with a blanket draped over her.

  “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you,” she says.

  I take a seat on the chair next to her. “It's fine. Are you okay?”

  She twirls her hair into some kind of knot on top of her head. “Yeah, I just kind of have a thing when it comes to being at other people's houses. I really don't like it.”

  Hmm, that's interesting.

  “I won't hurt you, Alyssa.”

  She grips the edge of the chair. “Then what do you want from me, Jackson?”

  I decide, to be honest with her. “That's the thing. I don't want anything from you.” I look at her. “Actually, that's kind of a lie. I would really like to get to know you. Maybe, even...if you let me. Be your friend.”

  “My friend? Yeah, right. That's new,” she scoffs. “Look, you already know I'll put out...if that's what you're after.”

  I place my hand on her shoulder. “It's not. Please, don't take offense to this, you're beautiful...but something tells me that you need a real friend much more than you need another guy to fuck right now.”

  “I don't even know what to say to that,” she whispers.

  “Say you'll have lunch with me today.”

  “Lunch?”

  “Yeah, lunch. That's all, I swear.”

  She seems to contemplate this as she stretches out in the chair. “I don't even know your last name. Or anything else about you.”

  I extend my hand out to her and grin. “I'm Jackson Reid. I turned 27 in August and I'm formerly of Boston, Ma- which gives me my wicked cool accent...but now, I reside here. ”

  She takes my hand and smiles. “Alyssa Tanner...I'll be 24 at the end of next month and consider yourself lucky. New York City is the best place in the whole entire world.”

  “So why do you live just outside the city limits then?”

  She closes her eyes. “My parent’s house is there.”

  “Oh, so you still live with your parents?”

  She gets up from the chair and walks over to the balcony door. “No, I don't.”

  I open my mouth to find out more about her, but she interrupts me.

  “I'm going to try and get some more sleep. But, I'll join you for lunch, Jackson.”

  Chapter 5 (Jackson)

  To my astonishment, Alyssa stayed true to her word and ended up going out to lunch with me.

  Since I let her pick the place, we're currently sitting at some hole in the wall diner...seated in a corner booth in the far back.

  She looks around the restaurant before she tugs her sunglasses off her face and sticks them in her purse.

  I can't help but wonder why she's even wearing them in the first place...given that it's raining out and all.

  "Being in public bothers you," I say, making it a statement and not a question.

  She folds her hands in front of her before she looks me right in the eye. "How long are you going to go on pretending, Jackson?"

  I tilt my head to the side. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I really wish you would just tell me, though."

  She studies my face for a few moments. "Tell me, Jackson. Do you have a computer?"

  I take a sip of my drink. "Yeah, why?"

  "Do you watch porn on your computer?"

  I nearly choke on my drink. That was certainly the last thing I was expecting to come out of her mouth.I open my mouth to say something, but luckily, the waitress comes to our table to take our order.

  After she's gone, I decide to attempt to break up the now awkward silence between us. “So, you're a porn star. That's the big secret?"

  She shoots me an icy cold stare. "Not by choice," she mumbles.

  "I don't understand," I say, my confusion growing with every moment that passes between us.

  She rubs her temples. "Fine. You really want to know me, Jackson? You really want to k
now everything?"

  "Yes. I won't judge you, I promise."

  She leans back against the booth. "I went to NYU a few years ago. If you can believe it, I was on track to become a newscaster. It was my dream, ever since I was a little girl." She closes her eyes for a second before she clears her throat and continues. "Anyway, I was a year away from graduating when my mother decided to get remarried. She ended up marrying a Politician. You've probably heard of him before, John Travine."

  The name mildly rings a bell. "Yeah, I've heard of him. I don't remember what he ran for, but the name sounds familiar."

  "He ran for mayor of New York City 3 years ago," she tells me.

  "So, what happened at NYU?"

  She looks down nervously before she begins. "Well, like I said. My mother ended up marrying that piece of shit politician." Her jaw hardens and her entire body becomes rigid. "I hate him, Jackson. The way he exploited my family's tragedy in front of the media. The way he turned my own mother against me. He could drop dead tomorrow, and I honestly don't think I would be able to feel one ounce of sympathy for him."

  I reach across the table for her hand. "Family tragedy?"

  She pulls back her hand with abrupt force, like my hand is made of lava and I'm about to singe her. There's so much pain in her eyes it almost hurts to look at her. "I can't talk about that. Please."

  "I won't force you to tell me anything you don't want to, Alyssa."

  She pinches the bridge of her nose. "I was doing really well at NYU. I maintained a 4.0 and everything. I was focused on my goals and kept myself out of trouble. Anyway, my stepfather ran for mayor and my mother and I were thrust into the political spotlight and all that comes with it. Like I said, he exploited my family, he used my mother, and..." She pauses and looks at me. "Just trust me when I say that he's not a good guy, Jackson."

  Her expression is filled with so much sorrow, it practically sears me straight to the bone.

  "I believe you," I tell her.

  She gives me a small smile that fades just as quickly as it appears.

  "I wanted to get back at him. It was so unbelievably fucked up, but I decided to do something horrible. Something that I knew would piss him off when he found out. Looking back it was absolutely stupid, and it ended up backfiring big time." She shrugs. "But I had just turned 21 at the time and I was still naive in regards to certain things. Not that it excuses what I did, but..."

  I lean forward, my curiosity coming to a peak. “What did you do?"

  "Well, my roommate was dating Dean Gaffney, Jr at the time," she starts to say before I interrupt her.

  "Wait a minute. You don't mean Mayor Gaffney's son, do you?"

  "Yes. That's exactly who I'm referring to."

  I know whatever she's about to tell me is going to be bad, real bad.

  "Fuck, Alyssa. What happened?"

  "I decided that I was going to flirt with him. Maybe even hook up with him. I wanted it to get back to my stepdad. And I thought- what better way to make him upset than having him hear that I was involved with his opponents son." Her eyes become glassy. "I know I broke the girl code. I know, I'm the worst kind of female in the world, but I just wanted to make him angry. I didn't care about the repercussions at the time. I wasn't thinking straight, Jackson. I just wanted him out of our lives. I wanted him to leave my mother and me alone and find another family to terrorize."

  "No judgment here, Alyssa. We've all done things we never thought we would in the heat of the moment."

  Like murdering your best friend for killing your sister.

  "So, one night. He showed up at my dorm room. Melody, my roommate wasn't there at the time. She was busy with her study group. He asked me if I wanted to grab dinner. I thought it was the perfect opportunity. During dinner he said all the right things...and we bonded over our mutual dislike of my stepdad. He also thought it was disgusting how he was using what happened to my fath..." she starts to say before she stops herself.

  "Anyway, after dinner, we went back to his dorm. His roommate was out for the evening. We had a few drinks and..."

  That's when I decide to stop her. "So he got you drunk?"

  She shakes her head. "No. I mean, not exactly. It's hard to explain. I was somewhere between being buzzed, but not drunk. It was just enough alcohol to lower my inhibitions, but not to the point where I didn't know what I was doing."

  Shit. I really hate where this story's going, but I can't bring myself to stop her.

  "So, one thing led to another and we started hooking up." She squeezes her eyes shut. "I was still a virgin, Jackson."

  I swallow against the lump forming in my throat. "Did he rape you?"

  "No." She takes a deep breath. "He only filmed me having sex without my knowledge and put it out on the Internet for the whole entire world to see."

  She scrunches up her nose. "The best part was when Melody burst into the room at the exact moment I lost my virginity. I'll never forget what she said. 'Alyssa, you slut.' Which is conveniently the name of the video."

  "Jesus, I'm so sorry, Alyssa."

  She shrugs. "Don't be. I only did it to myself. I deserved it. I broke the girl code and hooked up with my roommate's boyfriend. I hurt my mother to the point where she disowns me." She snorts. " The only good thing that came out of it was that my stepdad ended up losing the election...most likely because of me. Besides, milking my family's tragedy...his campaign was built around promoting abstinence for the youth and other Christian family values. Needless to say, my sex tape made quite a mockery of his entire campaign."

  Damn.

  "I can't believe your mom disowned you after that, though. That's horrible."

  "Yeah, well my stepdad didn't really give her much of a choice. After he lost, they moved someplace down south. He became mayor of a really small town down there. She's obviously happy, so again...it is what it is."

  “Why didn't you press charges against him?” I ask.

  She bites her lip. “I couldn't afford a lawyer. My stepfather's campaign was going down the tubes at that point and he was pissed. He refused to help me in any way. Besides, apparently there's some kind of law in New York that basically states that as long as one party knows about it being filmed it's not illegal. And just to cover his tracks, Dean also told authorities that I knew we were filming it. The asshole even said it was my idea in the first place to make a porno, but it wasn't. Also, he and his father had one of the best defense attorneys lined up to represent them in case I pressed charges and went through with the lawsuit. And technically, Dean didn't distribute the tape for money.”

  She holds up her hands and makes air quotes. “It got leaked somehow.” She rubs her forehead and sighs. “But mostly, I just didn't want to be in the spotlight anymore, Jackson. That tape ruined my life...I didn't have the strength to stand up in court and have my every move scrutinized.”

  We both stare at one another for a few moments.

  "So, what happened to your father?" I ask at the same time she asks, "Who's Lilly?"

  I stare down at my uneaten food. "Lilly was my sister," I whisper.

  Sadness sweeps across her face. "Was?"

  "Yeah. She's...um. She's dead."

  "God, Jackson. I'm so sorry. What happened?"

  I look at her. "What happened to your dad?"

  "He's...dead."

  "Do you wanna talk about it?"

  She chews on her thumbnail. "No, I really, really don't."

  "Me either."

  She smiles. "Okay, deal. I won't ask you about Lilly and you won't ask me about my dad."

  I breathe a sigh of relief. "Deal."

  She takes a bite of her bagel. "So, you should probably know the reason I hate spending the night at places other than my own house is because of what happened. It's made me a little paranoid. I always feel like there's a hidden video camera waiting for me in the shadows somewhere."

  I take a bite of my now cold burger. "That's understandable."

  "And the reason why I go out and
have lots of sex with wholesome 'nerdy guys' is because—” She pauses.”Well, originally it was because they're usually good at hacking computers and making the videos disappear." She sighs. "However, it always pops back up. It's gotten to the point where I've stopped trying to track it down. The Internet really is forever."

  "I'm sorry," is all I can manage to say because in all honesty her situation sucks.

  She looks down. "And since I'm being so candid with you. I guess I have sex with them as a way of punishing myself."

  That's...disturbing.

  "Why?"

  "Do you have any idea what it's like to have millions of people think of you as nothing but a slut, Jackson?"

  "No, I can't say that I do."

  "Do you have any idea what it's like to know that millions of people saw you at your most vulnerable moment? Completely exposed, raw, naked. And millions of people are judging you...everywhere you go. I can't go to the supermarket without breaking out in a full on panic attack over the fact that the guy at the checkout counter stares at me for a second too long. I can't get a normal job because everyone knows who I am and knows exactly what I look like giving a freakin' blowjob. Hell, I couldn't even finish school because not only did my stepdad stop paying for my tuition after my little stunt, but I just couldn't take the constant scrutiny from everyone."

  She then stares at me with those big, hazel eyes of hers...there's so much agony swirling in them it makes my own heart constrict.

  "I don't understand why you punish yourself, though, Alyssa. Haven't you already been through enough?"

  "Don't you get it? If I didn't put myself in that position it would have never happened. I have no one to blame my pain on but myself. It's not like I enjoy having sex with all the guys that I do. Trust me, I don't. But, I do it to remind myself of everything that I caused."

  Tears threaten to spill down her face, but she lifts her chin instead. "Besides, after enough people call you a worthless slut...you can't help but start to believe it."

  "I think what you're doing is wrong," I whisper.

  "I thought you weren't going to judge me."

  "About your past. I just hate the thought of you continuing to punish yourself for something that you've clearly already suffered the consequences from...and then some. It's no way to go through life."