Blame It on the Pain Read online

  She probably thinks I'm about to have my way with her. The goosebumps grazing her delicate flesh and the way her pulse is beating erratically against the pad of my thumb lead me to believe that's what she wants me to do.

  And fuck if that doesn't make my own heart speed up. But then I would be like all the others, I remind myself.

  Instead, I pick up her shirt and pull it over her head. Her eyes open, uncertainty etched in her features. “Why?” she asks, her voice barely above a whisper. “Why didn't you?”

  I lead her to the couch and drape a blanket over her. “Because I'm not gonna be another notch on your bedpost who takes advantage of your self- destruction.” My voice drops down to a whisper, “And because one day I failed to notice when someone else I cared about was in pain ...and not a day goes by that I don't regret it.”

  My hand instinctively lands on my chest and I sigh.

  “So, where did you end up going today?” I ask.

  I turn my head to look at her when I don't hear a response. Her mouth is parted slightly, her eyelashes fluttering against closed lids, the rise and fall of her chest falling in sync with my own breathing.

  I glance at the clock. Tyrone will be home soon...and he might be bringing company.

  She looks so peaceful, I don't have the heart to wake her.

  I gently lift her up, being as careful as I can and carry her into my bedroom. I remove her shoes, flick off the light on the nightstand, and turn to leave.

  Her hand reaches for mine. “Stay. Please stay,” she whispers before drifting off again.

  I crawl into bed and curl up beside her, my hand never leaving hers.

  ***

  “No! Daddy! Please, no!”

  Her screams are the equivalent of waking up to a shotgun going off.

  She's trembling so hard, I'm convinced she must be having a seizure.

  I jump up and flick on the light beside the bed, her screams quickly turning into muffled cries. I gently nudge her, but she doesn't wake. “Alyssa, you're okay. It's just a bad dream,” I say. I hold her by the shoulders and try a little harder this time, and finally the shaking stops and her eyes open wide.

  She looks around the room, confusion marring her face briefly before she realizes where she is. “Oh god. I'm so sorry.” She sits up in the bed. “This is beyond embarrassing.”

  Her eyes dart to the door and she makes to stand but I gently pull her back to me. I'm all too aware of how much of a flight risk she is and she's not running away from me this time. Especially in this state.

  “This happen often?” I ask.

  Her head falls against my chest and she lets out a deep breath before whispering, “Not really. Only when I'm exhausted. Usually, I don't allow myself to sleep that soundly because I know what the end result will be.”

  That's when it sinks in that it wasn't just a random bad dream, but a reoccurring nightmare. I tip her chin up to look at me. “What happened, Alyssa? Trust me enough to let me in.” I kiss her forehead. “Please.”

  She fidgets and squirms out of my arms. Just when I think she's about to bolt, she looks at me and does the one thing I've been waiting for since I met her.

  She drops her armor and opens up to me.

  Chapter 10 (Alyssa)

  Past...

  “Really, cupcakes for breakfast, Graham?” my mother cried. “That is not an appropriate breakfast for a 9-year-old.”

  I grinned around a mouth full of my heavily laden chocolate frosted cupcake. “But I'll be 10 in two days, Mommy,” I argued. Before my mother could protest further, I added, “And look, Daddy put goblins on them!”

  Since my birthday fell on Halloween, my father's nickname for me had always been 'goblin.' Most little girls would have hated it and wished for a nickname more feminine like 'Princess' or 'Pumpkin', but I loved it.

  My mother shook her head and looked at my father. A soft smile spread across his face when he walked over to her and held a cupcake up to her lips. “Come on, honey. Take a bite. No one can resist little goblins.” He looked at me and winked. “Isn't that right?”

  I nodded my head in excitement. “Do it, Mommy. Please.”

  She let out a frustrated sigh before she took a haphazard bite. She pursed her lips and looked at me, her expression much softer than it was a moment ago. “Okay,” she conceded. “Finish your cupcake, but no more. You need to get ready for school.”

  My father pulled my mother closer. “You have some frosting right here,” he whispered before he kissed her.

  I scrunched my nose and made a face. “But it's my birthday,” I whined, effectively interrupting their moment. “Why can't I stay home with you? Or go to work with Daddy?”

  My mother put her hands on her hips and gave me 'the look.' I knew that look well. “Alyssa Ford Tanner. It's not your birthday yet. Now finish the rest of your cupcake and get ready for school.”

  Yup, she called me by my full name. She meant business.

  I scrambled off the counter top and let out a giggle when my father swooped down and picked me up. “I'll tell you what, little goblin. How about I drive you to school today?”

  My face lit up. “You mean it?” I asked incredulously.

  All my dad did was work non-stop, especially as of late. Sometimes an entire week or two would pass without me ever seeing him.

  This time, it had been almost three whole weeks. I hated it, but he promised me he would be around for my birthday weekend.

  I overheard him telling my mother that him and Ford, his best friend, and partner, were working on their most important case and trying to gather intel, but they were encountering some unforeseen problems.

  I didn't really understand it, but I knew my father had a very important job.

  He caught the bad guys.

  However, he never wore a uniform like some of the other officers I saw. Instead, he mostly wore suits to work and participated in things called 'stakeouts' or 'going undercover.' People at work also referred to him as 'Special Agent.' Whatever that meant.

  I knew he traveled to the city a lot. That's where his headquarters and most of his cases were located. It was also his favorite place in the whole entire world.

  He only moved to the suburbs because it was what my mother wanted, she thought there was too much crime in the city and it was no place to raise a child.

  I, however, loved the city and would beg my dad to take me with him when he left, but he never did.

  My dad put me down. “Of course, I mean it. Now go get ready.”

  I ran up the stairs to my bedroom.

  After I was done getting dressed I walked out to the hallway.

  That's when I heard it.

  “Fuck,” my father huffed. “Now? This wasn't scheduled to happen for another two weeks.” He paused. “The entire weekend? You gotta be shitting me.”

  My stomach dropped. I already knew what was about to happen.

  He sighed. “No, it won't be a problem.” He cleared his throat. “Yeah, alright. Tell him I'm on my way. I'll be there as soon as I can.”

  I heard some ruffling and a few more curses erupt from his mouth as I stood outside his bedroom door with tears in my eyes.

  He opened the door and glanced down at me. I briefly registered that he wasn't in a suit but wearing black jeans and a t-shirt, which was odd since he was on his way to work.

  Hope flickered in my heart.

  “Goblin,” he began as he kneeled down in front of me.

  I lifted my chin, preparing myself for what was to come. “Yes, Daddy?”

  His hand reached up and brushed away the few tears that had started to fall. “I'm so sorry, sweetheart. But Daddy has to go to work. I won't be able to take you to school this morning after all.”

  Disappointment settled in my chest, but that tiny ray of hope refused to leave. “It's okay. I understand,” I said. “You'll be here for my actual birthday though, right?”

  His hand dropped, the same pain reflecting back at me through his own hazel eyes. ���No, baby. Daddy has to take care of something very important at work.”

  “More important than me?”

  “Goblin—” he started, before I cut him off.

  I steeled myself, it was the angriest I'd ever been in all of my almost 10 years. “No. I'm not your goblin anymore,” I said before I turned around and headed for the staircase.

  Large arms wrapped around me and held me tight. “Nothing is more important to me than you. And you will always be my little goblin.”

  I turned around and buried my face against his chest.

  “I love you so much, Alyssa,” he whispered.

  “Then stay, Daddy. Please.”

  “I wish I could. But I can't.”

  “But you promised me!” I shouted through tears.

  He closed his eyes and kissed my forehead. “I know. I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you somehow. I swear I will.”

  I looked up at him, my resolve firm. “Take me with you.”

  He gave me another kiss on my forehead and shook his head. “I can't.” He pulled something out of his pocket. “I was going to give this to you on Sunday, but I want you to have it now.”

  I looked down at the white gold chain in wonder. A white gold and diamond encrusted goblin along with a small replica of a police badge containing my father's badge number hung from it.

  “But mommy said I'm not old enough to wear real jewelry like hers yet,” I whispered as he fiddled with the clasp around my neck.

  He smiled and brushed a lock of blond hair from his eyes. “I think we can make an exception for very special birthdays and very special little girls.”

  I flung my arms around him. “I love the necklace, but I'd still much rather have you for my birthday. I miss you, so much. You're always gone, now. I never get to see you anymore. I get so jealous when I see my friends from school with their dad's.”

  “Jesus, you're ripping my heart out over here, kid,” he mumbled.

  “Then take me with you. We don't have to tell Mommy.”

  He chuckled and ruffled my hair. “I can't. I'm sorry. Please try and understand.” he said before standing up and walking down the staircase.

  Anger burst through me again. Only this time...I had a plan.

  I crept down the staircase, being careful to not make any noise as I passed the kitchen and overheard their conversation.

  “I have to go to work. We're about to make some major headway. I just got a call from one of his associates that he's doing the drop today. With the way things are going now it looks like we'll be able to nail him for good this weekend,” he told my mother.

  Her mouth opened in shock. “Really? This soon? That's incredible.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, but I won't be back until Monday night, the earliest.”

  My mother bit her lip and a crease formed between her eyebrows. “But it's her birthday, Graham. Her 10th birthday. This is going to break her heart. You know how much she loves you. You're all she ever talks about.”

  “I know, honey. I know. I don't really have a choice right now, though. Maybe after this case I can take some time off, we'll take a family vacation or something. I'll make it up to her.” He bent down and kissed her. “To the both of you.” His hand landed on her tummy. “Take care of my girls.” He winked. “All three of them.”

  Three? He always said his two girls. What the heck?

  She looked down at his hand. “Speaking of which, when are we going to tell her? I'm a little over 3 months already. We can't wait forever.”

  “Well, I figured we could tell her that she was going to be a big sister on her birthday.” He paused. “But, maybe it's for the best that we wait a little longer and let her have this one last birthday as the only child. I don't want to ruin her birthday any more than I already have. She's really upset with me and feels like my job is more important than she is. This certainly won't help matters. We'll tell her when we go on vacation, after I've spent some quality time with her and she's not so angry with me anymore.”

  Oh no, no, no. This couldn't be happening. Another kid? A girl? I was never going to be special to him now. He didn't even have time to spend with me anymore...if there's a new baby it will be like I won't even exist.

  I recalled what happened to my classmate, Margaret Weiss. She was the only child and her parents showered her in attention, but she said that all stopped after her brother was born.

  Now, her parents were always grumpy from being up all hours of the night and they didn't care about her anymore. Which was stupid, she said; because all her new brother did was sleep and cry all the time.

  My mother nodded and gave him a kiss. “Sounds like a plan. I guess that means I'll be taking her to school this morning.”

  “Yeah, I should have left already.” He turned to leave and I scrambled to make it to the garage and out to his car before he did.

  “Oh and honey,” he called out. “Don't make a fuss over the necklace I got her. I know it's a bit much for a 10-year-old, but I wanted to give her something special this year.”

  My mother huffed before she smiled. “Okay, but you'll have to deal with the fallout if she loses it. She's still upstairs getting ready, right?”

  “Yeah. I'll see you on Monday. Love you.”

  “Love you.”

  I made my way out to the garage before he did. His SUV was large, shiny, and all black. It even had tinted windows and came equipped with a phone, and special locks.

  Problem was...I didn't know how to get inside without him noticing.

  I hid underneath the vehicle and watched his feet move as he lifted the hatch in the back and maneuvered some things around, appearing to be looking for something.

  He cursed under his breath before his footsteps disappeared and I heard the garage door shut.

  Luckily, he left the hatch open granting me the perfect opportunity to climb in and hide under a blanket on the floor in the back seat.

  My heart raced when he came back out and climbed in the driver's seat. I thought for sure he would notice me, but he didn't.

  We drove for well over two hours at that point and my legs were starting to cramp up.

  The vehicle began to slow down and he cursed when his phone rang.

  What I didn't count on happening was my mother calling his phone.

  “I can't talk right now, honey. I forgot to shut this phone off. I'm just pulling up to the location now.”

  I heard shouting on the other line before my father's raised voice startled me. “What the hell do you mean she's missing, Debra? She was still upstairs when I left. Are you sure you looked everywhere?”

  There was some more shouting on the other line.

  “Shit. Keep looking. Call the neighbors and check the entire perimeter of the house. I'll put a call into the station. I'm sure she's just hiding somewhere.” He paused. “Don't cry, honey. Stay strong. I'm sure she's okay,” he said, his own voice beginning to crack. “We will find her. I'm calling the station now. Keep your phone on you.”

  Oh no. This wasn't supposed to happen. I never wanted to make my mother cry or my dad upset. I just wanted to spend some more time with him and make a point.

  He hung up his cell phone and picked up his car phone. “Yeah, Hannah, it's Special Agent Tanner. My wife just reported that our 9-year-old daughter's gone missing. She was last seen inside the house.” He paused. “A little over an hour. I want an amber alert issued right away. Blonde hair, hazel eyes...” he started to rattle off.

  Panic gripped me. I remembered my father telling me that it was wrong to prank call the police. He told me that it took away from helping actual people who were having real emergencies.

  I sprung up from the backseat. “Daddy, stop. I'm here. I'm okay. I'm so sorry.”

  He clutched his chest and glared at me. “Never mind. I just located her. Please call my wife and let her know. Thank you and I'm sorry for the trouble,” he said before hanging up.

  He stared at me for another second or so before he reached over and hugged me. “I'm so, so angry with you right now.” Relief flashed across his face. “But I'm so happy you're okay. Do you have any idea what it would do to me if I ever lost you, goblin?”

  I shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes. “You would be fine. You have a replacement on its way anyway,” I grumbled.

  He looked confused before he sighed. “No one could ever replace you, Alyssa. But, how did you find out?”

  “I overheard you talking to mommy about it. You're going to have a new little girl and forget all about me.”

  He moved his seat back and sat me on his lap. “No, baby. That's not going to happen. I promise.”

  I sniffled and leaned my head against his chest. “I don't believe your promises anymore.”

  He held up my necklace. “You see this? You're the only girl in the world who will ever have it. I had it made just for you. That's how special you are to me.”

  “Then why are you having another baby? Am I not enough for you?”

  He leaned down and kissed my cheek. “I love you more than all the stars in the sky and water in the oceans. From the very first second I laid eyes on you, that was it, kid. I was a goner.” He looked lost in thought as he continued, “I was only 18 when you were born. Your mother and I were barely even out of high school. I was terrified of becoming a father, especially so young. Do you know who gave me strength to overcome that fear?” he asked.

  “Who?”

  “You did. I will never forget that moment. Your mother was recovering from labor and the nurses left you all alone with me. I started freaking out because I had no idea what I was supposed to do with you and I was sure I was going to screw something up and leave you scarred for life.” He paused and smiled. “I remember talking to you and telling you how scared I was. I was about to have a panic attack, but then your little hand wrapped around one of my fingers and held on. You looked up at me with these beautiful eyes full of wonder and a sense of calm washed over me...and I knew I could do it. I knew we were going to be a team for life.”

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